She's gonna be ours'! :)

This is Roo. :)  And, she's gonna be ours'! :)  So excited that I can finally share her picture!!!!  She just turned 1 year old a couple weeks ago and we are all so in love with her!!!

No, we do not have the results of the court hearing yet.  The judge is taking her sweet time ruling; however, a few weeks ago we received notice that Mom had decided she wanted to consent and sign over her rights.  She realized that we, were infact, truly Roo's parents, and she was simply someone that Roo played with a few hours a week.  She wanted to give up her rights, so that Roo could for sure stay with us, the only family she's really ever known.

I must admit......I SOBBED when I got the phone call from the case worker, the phone call from the G.A.L. and then a very long text from bio Mom. It was this overwhelming feeling of 'relief' to think it's finally 'over' in a sense, and yet I grieved for her Mom, as well. This is such a sacrificial act of love for her to step aside for her daughter's sake.  We were shocked and overwhelmed...never seeing this coming!

So, three weeks ago all visits were cancelled and all DHS services regarding Roo.  She met with her lawyer and signed the papers, giving up her rights.  This past week, we had our final visit with Mom and Roo's siblings...a good-bye visit.  It was emotional and hard; however, it went 'well' and we will have to see where things go from here.  We may maintain some form of 'open adoption', with emails and such and possibly yearly visits.  We will just have to see how this all goes as we walk it out.

So, now, the papers went to the judge and we have to still wait for the judge to rule.  This is because it's an 'open termination' case, so since we actually went to court for the state to terminate the parental rights, it has to be walked out.  However, since the father is absent and mom has now signed over her rights, it really a 'no-brainer', so it's just waiting for the final verdict to fulfill the legalities.  This judge is known for being S-L-O-W, but everyone is hopeful that having consent papers will now hurry things along! :)

Then, we will be moved to an 'adoption worker' and move forward with making this precious beauty a permanent part of our family!!!  SHOCKED that we are at this point, as we totally did not see this coming a year ago, and yet beyond excited that we have the privilege of loving this little girl and raising her to know Jesus!!!

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged us and prayed for us as we've walked out this often-times difficult journey of love!!!

P.S.  Yes, we're still calling her "Roo" via the internet; however, we will reveal her name once she's adopted!  :)

Crazy last week!

Nate enjoyed some surprise balloons from Uncle Mark & Aunt Megan!

Whew!  What a crazy week and a half we've had!!!  We've had two simultaneous things going on which has made for a crazy life in the Banderman household!  I'll write about one here and then post the other in another blog post.

First, as I mentioned in my last post, our 14-year-old son, Nate, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes on Father's Day.  We've been walking this out for a week and a half now and we are in the 'honeymoon' period, but things are going great, actually.  (Basically, the 'honeymoon' period means that most of his islet cells in his pancreas have 'died', but not all of them.  So, his blood sugars are pretty easy to manage, as far as predictability and carb counting.  At some point here they'll all begin to die and we'll have to figure out how manage things again at that point, as there'll be an adjustment of meds.) We are absolutely blown away by how amazing Nate is doing, though!  He has simply embraced this and all that it entails and has gone on with life.  He's accepted all the new inconveniences and responsiblities as a part of his life; however, it does not define who he is.  He knows who he is and this is just a new 'part' that he has to deal with.  He's never once had a 'pity party' or been mad at God, or the world, or whatever.  He's just kinda shrugged his shoulders and been like 'ok'.  He told me, "It could always be worse, Mom.  At least I didn't lose a limb or have some disease that would put me in the hospital on my death bed.  Or cancer."

I just kinda look at him like "who the heck is this kid?"  :)  He has been so amazingly mature and I am so proud of him!!!

He has a great group of friends and they've been awesome at just accepting him and going on with life with him.  At first, no one said anything, as no one wanted to make him feel 'weird' or different, but then someone finally asked a question and they all agreed it was more weird to pretend it didn't exist than just to ask a question and go on with life.  Nate has no problem checking his blood sugar in the car with his friends, at the park, at the pool, etc.  He doesn't really care what others think....he just does what he needs to do to either check his blood sugar or take an insulin shot or eat a snack and he gets on with life.

I am in awe.  Seriously.

Steve was diagnosed at the age of 12 and let's just say.....it was rough.  There was so much shame surrounding the diagnosis and the way it was walked out was horrifically wrong.  It took him probably 20 years to get to where Nate is now.  So, we pretty much look at him in amazement! :)

And, offer a prayer of thanks to God for how faithfully He prepared Nate for this, how graciously He is guiding him and how faithfully He is upholding every part of his body and his heart and mind in this!

But, this new diagnosis has meant a lot of doctor's visits....Endocrinologist, Dietician, Diabetic Nurse Educator.  Just yesterday, Nate and I spent all morning at the Endo's office.  B-O-R-I-N-G. :)  Some of the stuff is helpful and some is just boring! They don't seem to care that my husband, Nate's Dad, is diabetic and that we do have somewhat of a 'clue' as to how to manage the disease! lol :)  But, it's mandatory, so we just have to suck it up and do it!  And, I must say, if ya' gotta go through it, ya' might as well go through it with Nate.  He is such a quick wit and hilarious.  He keeps me laughing!!!!!

And, quite honestly, my heart goes out to all the families we see in there.  You can see the ones who have recently been diagnosed....with young kids....and the fear is so evident on their faces.  My heart aches for them.  I am sure our experience would be a lot different had Steve not had it, but it's not as scary as it once was. I pray that as we go on here, we'll have opportunity to talk to some families and be an encouragement to them during this difficult journey that we all share.

It's definitely a disease that is not fun and needs to be taken seriously; however, we're slowly learning how to just let it be a part of our lives and not define our lives.  Yes, I am a bit much on the 'watching over' of Nate. Poor kid...this Mama asks a lot of questions and wants to know what his blood sugar is, if he ate, if he took a shot, etc.  I'm slowly relaxing as he shows us how trustworthy he is to do the things he needs to do, but I still watch him like a hawk!  He's been so gracious with me and just does what I ask.  :)

One thing we're really excited about........last week at the Endo visit, we were told about the Juvenile Diabetes teen camp nearby - Camp Hertko Hollow.  Everyone that comes is either a teen diabetic or a sibling of a teen diabetic.  The counselors are all diabetics, as well.  The camp is a medical camp and is staffed with Endocrinologists, nurses, dieticians, etc.  They have a 'shoot-up shack' where everyone takes their shots, and gets their blood sugar tested, etc.

We left it up to Nate if he wanted to go, but hoped he would.  He had been signed up to go to church camp this week; however, with the new diagnosis we didn't feel comfortable letting him go off for a week by himself, and the doctor agreed with us.  A year from now, sure, but not this soon.

So, this is a great alternative for him.....He gets to go have a ton of fun at camp with other teenagers, and yet he'll be under medical supervision.  Everyone has diabetes or is a sibling of it, so it's not weird or abnormal.  I love that!!!  He'll be gone from Sunday - Saturday and I will miss him like crazy!!!  But, grateful he gets to experience something like this!!!

The camp is normally $1,100!!!!  BUT, they do so much fundraising and so they're able to do scholarships.  We were so blessed....they are letting Nate come for only $60 because they feel it is so vital for him to be able to come this soon after diagnosis!!!  The camp director told me that most kids come 1-2 years after diagnosis, but she thinks this will be so great for him.  We talked on the phone and she told me how proud she was of us letting him come so soon.  I cried.  She cried. :)  Found out she was a Christian and she began to share how much God has done in their daughter and their family through the diagnosis.  She shared about God's faithfulness to them, etc.  Such an amazing phone conversation and I am so excited he gets to go be with amazing people at an amazing place!!!

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and your prayers!  I am so incredibly grateful!!!!

Diabetes

This is a post that I hoped I'd never have to write. :/  Something that I knew could be a possibility, but always tried to put it out of my mind.  I can no longer do that.  It is in my face.

Father's Day 2012 turned out to be completely different than we'd expected.  We'd plan to celebrate Steve and just enjoy the day as a family.  However, yesterday morning, Nate woke up and said he was hungry.  Got some food, but then said he felt like he was going to throw up.  So, off he went to the bathroom, but sat there with just dry heaves.  At first, I didn't think too much about it, but then, I began to get a 'red flag' and think about blood sugar issues.

You see, last weekend, we traveled to Missouri, for Steve's family.  The trip there is about 4 1/2 - 5 hours.  During that trip, Nate asked to go to the bathroom about 4x, both on the way there and on the way home.  Plus, he said he was thirsty a lot and was always wanting something to drink.  By the time we got home, I was having my suspicions that something was 'wrong'.  Steve and I talked about it and mentioned it to Nate and just decided to 'watch' this past week and see how things were going.

He seemed to get 'better', so we let it go.  But, then by yesterday morning, we knew we had to check his blood sugar.

For those who don't know, Steve has Type 1 diabetes.  Has had it since he was 12, so diabetes is definitely a part of our family.  Not fun, at all, but we have learned how to live with it.  So, we knew there was a greater risk of our kids developing it; however, you always want to hope that things will be different.  When our boys both passed the age of 12, I breathed a sigh of relief...knowing they could still get it, but at least grateful we'd passed the mark of when Steve had gotten it.

But, yesterday we decided to check it, when he wasn't feeling well and it was 300.  Definitely too high.  We knew we had to take him in to the doctor.  So, we talked to him about it all and the three of us sat and just cried together, we held him, and we prayed.  One of the most gut-wrenching things I've had to do.  Pretty sure it was diabetes, but we needed a doctor to see him for sure.

Steve ended up taking him to the nearest Urgent Care and to our shock, relief, and great thankfulness, our family practice doctor just so happened to be on duty in the clinic...on Father's Day!  SO GRATEFUL to God for that 'kiss from heaven' and giving us the best care for our son.  He took two vials of blood, did a pee test, and in the end determined that Nate did indeed have diabetes. :/

He called down to Blank Children's Hospital and set up for Nate to see the Pediatric Endocrinologist down there.  Steve took him down there, and I got things together at home, pretty sure he'd be admitted to hospital.  When Steve was diagnosed way back when, he had to be in the hospital for 1 week, so we were thinking nowadays maybe 2-3 days.

However, to our shock, the Endo saw him, talked to him, and sent him home with needles, a blood glucose meter, and insulin!!!  I guess she thought Steve obviously knew enough to steer him in the right direction. ha ha

While we are grateful that he's not hospitalized, it was kinda freaky to have him at home, starting this new regimin, and have to teach him everything ourselves.  No parent necessarily wants to teach their child how to put a needle in their skin, or how to count carbs, or how to figure out how much insulin to take.  Not fun.

But, I am so incredibly proud of both my husband and my son.  Nate has completley taken this is stride so far.  I'm sure there will come a day, where he'll hate the whole disease and the fact that he has to do this.  But, these first 24 hours, he's just simply accepted it and is embracing the reality of a 'new normal'.  I've been amazed by his positive attitude and just his accepting it and moving forward.

Steve has been amazing at walking him through each step and teaching him how to do everything!  He got up with him in the night to make sure he checked his blood sugars.  He got him up this morning.  We've called him a few time today to ask about amounts of insulin to take.  He's been so gracious, so helpful, and my Rock in this!!!

He's also been reliving so much about when he was diagnosed, which is hard.  Such a tough thing.

So, here we are.  Trying to wrap our brains about this new reality.  My heart is breaking for my son, knowing that this isn't a 10 day 'antibiotic' that will fix everything, but rather this is his new life, new lifestyle, and the reality that he has to bear.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a mad, or frustrated, or scared.  I have been all those things the past 24 hours.  But, I know with each day, there will come more and more peace, as I learn to yield and trust yet again.

Ultimately my hope and trust is in the Lord.  That He cares more for our son than we ever could.  He can be trusted.  This doesn't take Him by surprise.  Somehow, He will use this for His glory.  We are leaning into His love, His faithfulness, and His grace as we walk out our new normal.

Please keep our family in prayer as we transition.

Wrestling with Thoughts

Today, I'm just going to be honest....I can do that, because this is my blog, right? :) If you know me, you know you'll get raw reality from me. :) Sometimes I just am processing and feeling things and although I'm secure on what I believe at the core of everything, it just doesn't always make it easy to walk something out.

There have been a couple things I've been thinking about a lot lately........

 - Just how much my life has changed in the past four years and how sometimes I miss my 'old' life

- Just how much I desire to be Jesus' friend in the middle of wherever He calls me, even if it costs me everything


Those two things seem like polar opposites and I guess that's how my heart feels sometimes. Sometimes I 'grieve' my old life and other times, my heart burns with fiery passion for Him to have all of me. I was thinking about a sermon our Pastor shared about 6 1/2 years ago.  I remember it piercing my heart at the time and me laying at the altar, sobbing my eyes out, surrending all I was to the Lord.  I was in a different season of life, but the 'deep unto deep' call I was experiencing at that time is the same as today.  I won't do the sermon justice, but here are a few notes from it that I recently came across again:

- "We've got to live in the gap.  We've got to become the living embodiment of our prayers."

- "Strategic weakness - Living Sacrifices"

- "Love is measured by sacrifice.  God so LOVED that He gave!  He gave the one thing He couldn't re-create."

- "God is looking for more than surrender, but those that will throw their entire lives behind it."

- "A human will that is not just yielded,  but someone who will throw their lives in the gap."

- "My sacrifice is the expression of my desire."

- "He wins us with love, shares His heart with us, then we have to be willing to give up our comfort."

- "God, I will not offer you that which costs me nothing.  I'm going to give you that which is valuable to me."

- "Life of sacrifice:  A sweet smelling fragrance before the Throne."

- "I will love the people you've sent me to so much that I'll lay my life down to see your purposes."

- "Be imitators of God' - Jesus gave himself up.  We're not adding to it, but entering into what He's already done."

- "Must embody Calvary before can embrace Pentecost"

- "Outward expression of inward committment.  He's looking for wholeheartedness."

- "God will take our sacrifice and failures to make it a dwelling place."


Even as I read through these again and look up the Bible verses again, my eyes are filled with tears. I so remember hearing this for the first time and today it's as fresh as it was then, if not even more real. So many times, I've prayed "You can have it all God" or "God, enlarge my capacity to love you" or "God, take all of me" and "God, all I want is you".

THEN........

He begins to answer those very prayers, the deepest cries of my heart, in the most unexpected ways, and I cringe, I throw a fit, I complain, I cry.......why?  Because my flesh is screaming as He asks for more and more surrender.  Yes, it's what I asked for, but dang it....it's hard, it hurts, it's lonely.  Not what I expected it to feel like being in the center of His will, Him answering the cries of my heart, ya' know? :)

He could just snap His fingers and poof!, I'd be perfectly surrendered.  But, he doesn't.  Why?  Because He's looking for VOLUNTARY LOVE.  He's so kind and such a gentleman, He won't make me do anything.  He'll love me regardless of what I do.  However, He is beckoning me with an invitation to offer Him voluntary love.  It's my choice as to whether I choose to respond.

So, He woos me in again.  Draws me with His lovingkindness and gives me a glimpse of His eyes of love.  He knows what I really want.  He knows I really don't want to be 'comfortable' or in the 'easy' American life.  He knows that, and so He gently meets me where I am and draws me from there in so many ways.  And, I'm overwhelmed again by His love and kindness and I can't help but say, "ok....yes, you can have all of me, because I know your ways are better than mine and I only desire to be with you wherever you are, doing whatever you want."

AND....

This my friends is where I am again.  This time it's in regard to foster care and adoption.  I think so much has happened the last 4 years, that I just kind of did life and only now, as we walk this out with Roo, recently, is my heart processing things.

Namely.......just how much I've had to give up to say 'yes' to this calling.  When I'm captured with His gaze, it's 'easy' to say yes, on one level.  But, when I allow myself to watch what others are doing or saying, I can tend to get my gaze off and long for the days of old........the days when we only had two boys, life was good, life was simple, and things seemed 'perfect' on one level.  I miss the days of being able to pick up and go because my boys were old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient.  I miss the days of not having to deal with a broken foster care system and not knowing always who I can or can't believe or trust. I miss the days of not having to worry if my heart will be broken in a million pieces if a precious little girl leaves. I miss the days of being very involved in ministry at our local church and being so connected to so many women and people.  People who loved me, looked up to me, loved what I did, and gave me pats on the back all the time.  It felt good to know I was making an impact in other people's lives...people who actually told me 'thank you' and 'appreciated' me vs. littles that really could care less on one level. :) I miss going on mission trips and speaking to women groups.  It's just hard to get away right now, especially when I know that this is what I'm called to.

My life is so very different now.  When we first said 'yes' to foster care in KC, many of the kiddos we had were 'emergency' placements and we were a 'safe house' for them, coming directly from the hospital or police station.  So, that meant during those days, we did a lot of 'staying in' because some of the kiddos lived close to our home and we never knew when or where we might meet someone that knew them.  So, I 'withdrew' from society a bit for the sake of these kids.  The Fall of 2009, we had almost 15 kids go through our home in a matter of about 12 weeks!  Then, we got two foster kids who were crazy out of control and we could not take them anywhere for the first month or so until we got some help!

After we adopted Emma, I spent so much time just home, with her, with our family.  People in the adoption community 'get it' as it's part of the attachment process and kind of 'cocooning'.  It's building that bond deeply the first year, when it's most critical.  I didn't get involved in a lot of things, but just focused on being a Mom.  Also, with all the issues Emma had, to be honest, it was just so hard to take her out and be with so many people.  We didn't know when she'd be "set off" and we didn't want to try to deal with her major meltdowns with others.  She was too much of a 'ticking time bomb'.  It was embarassing and we didn't always know what to do or how to best handle it.  We had our family and a few friends that we felt comfortable with and knew they were 'in it' with us, regardless of her behavior and could handle whatever may come our way, but there were also others who didn't 'get it' and couldn't understand, so our 'circle' became very, very small, simply due to the reality we were thrust in.  Such a lonely place that we said 'yes' to.

And, this past year with Roo.  Being 38 and having a newborn baby all over again has been quite the experience...quite the challenge, in and of itself.  However, more than that is that there's so much that comes with her......not just having a baby, but having a baby that comes with a bio family, with social workers, a therapist, etc.  And, it's not like we had 9 months of pregnancy to get used to the idea!  Within a few days we said 'yes' and were immediately thrust into this crazy world of fostering a newborn and all that would entail in the months ahead.  It's been a crazy whirlwind of love and laying down our lives for her sake!

So, here I am now........

Listening to friends who've gone to a women's retreat, listening to friends talk about what mission trip their going on next, listening to friends planning vacations, etc. etc.

And, I start to feel sorry for myself just a bit.  I start to resent being home all the time.  Resent changing diapers, getting up at night, dealing with another tantrum, dealing with another slammed door, fighting hard for attachment and security for hearts..........

I'M HUMAN!  I told you that you'd get honest here.  Adoption and foster care are wonderful and amazing, but they are challenging, hard, and sometimes downright brutal.  I often feel as though I'm in the middle of a war zone, dealing with one battle after another, and sometimes I get wounded in the battle.  I get tired and lose my focus.  It just is what it is.

Dying to our flesh is hard.  Surrendering is hard.  Giving up is hard.  It just is.  And, if anyone tells you it's not...they're lying. :)

There's so many things we've given up, so many things we've said "no" to, or walked away from........all for the sake of the orphan.

I don't say that to make us seem all that amazing, because really we're not.  We're just weak, human beings, who've said 'yes' to a call bigger than ourselves. Hopefully by my honesty and vulnerability here, you'll see that we struggle just like anyone else to answer the call of God upon our lives.

BUT.......this is what I do know.  When we say 'yes' to giving up things, 'yes' to surrender..........the closeness of the Holy Spirit and the kindness of the Lord is overwhelming.  He is so good to meet us in our weakness.  So good to blow upon the embers of our hearts.  So good to draw us, to remind us, to encourage us on.

So good to show us that the very depths of our hearts that we've cried and prayed out before him.....HE IS ANSWERING.

Just this morning I was thinking about all the times I've prayed, "Lord, enlarge my capacity to know you." and "Lord, I just want to be your friend.  That's all that matters."

Guess what?  He's giving me the deepest desires of my heart!  He HAS enlarged the capacity of my heart to know His love, to experience His love, and to release His love on a whole new level than any ministry experience I've ever had!  He HAS answered my prayer about being His friend.....this amazing invitation to partner with him in injustice!  I get to hear His heartbeat and to feel His emotions now on such a deeper, more intimate level.  I would not trade that for anything!!!

So, while I wrestle with my flesh and all I'm "losing out on" during this season of loving the orphan, returning to having younger children, and fighting for other foster parents and foster kids...........I am quickly reminded of all that I've gained.  How much deeper my walk with the Lord has become.  How rich I am to see Him doing a healing work in our little girl before my very eyes. How blessed I am to get to be her Mom and see her learning to live in the benefits of unconditional love and safety.  How privileged I am to be chosen to be with this precious little baby during the night, during the day, and give her an amazing start to life when all hell is breaking lose around her.  How blessed I am that our boys have willingly said 'yes' to this call as well, even when it's hard.  How blessed I am to have a husband who longs to be an amazing husband and dad more than anything else.

And, I come back again and say, "Jesus, you're worth it!  I willingly lay my life down to see your purposes on this Earth."  I say "yes" to being the one who will lay my life down in the gap......weakness and all......to be part of the answer to the very prayers I've prayed for God's justice upon the earth........the very prayers I've prayed for Fathers and Mothers to come forth......the very prayers I've prayed for the orphans to know they are loved.  No matter what it costs.....I say yes.

I say 'yes' to being right in the center of God's will for this season, and trusting Him with what's to come in the days ahead.  He is forging in me something so deep, so beautiful, that it is beyond my comprehension.  This is part of my training ground for knowing Him more.  And, I say "yes" to abandoning myself yet again.  Full surrender.  No holding back.  Giving up my 'comfort'. Placing my life upon the altar of sacrifice because of the liquid love that flows from His eyes.

As I spend time with him, soaking in His presence, He reminds me yet again.....this world is fleeting and I live for eternity.  There is more than this life.  This is simply my 'internship'.  He offers me an invitation to voluntary love again and I can't help but say 'yes'.

There is no place I'd rather be.  The love that radiates from His eyes, the delight that dances because my heart fully trusts Him..........yah, it's ALL WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!

So, my question to you is...........what is He asking of you today?  What place of surrender?  What 'gap' is He asking you to fill?  Because I promise you...it's worth it....no matter the cost.  HE IS WORTH IT!!!!

Attached?

Not that long after we got Roo last summer, I wrote this post:

http://pursuedbylove.blogspot.com/2011/07/are-you-getting-attached.html


I talked about probably the most frequent question we get about having foster kids, in general, but in particular Roo, as just a baby.  It's something along the lines of, "I could never do what you do.  I'd get too attached.  Aren't you worried about getting attached?"

While I still fully agree with everything that I wrote initially, namely "it's not about me" and "she's worth it".......I have to be honest and say it's gotten much, much harder to carry my heart in this crazy season.  This upcoming week, Roo will have been with us 11 months....the first 11 months of her life.  We are pretty much all she has ever known.  I cannot fathom her leaving.  I cannot fathom her not being a part of our family.  I cannot fathom how much our hearts would hurt, but most of all, I can't fathom what it would do to her to rip away her 'normal'.  Ugh....I try so hard not to go there.

Am I scared?  A little.  I try really hard not to focus on her possibly leaving, but to just enjoy her now and love her now and just give her the best start to her life as possible.  I love her as if she is ours' and will never leave........with that 'nagging' possible reality of her being returned forever in the back of my brain.

But, I'm human.  Some days the reality of what we've said 'yes' to, what we've been through, and what we still have to walk out....it overwhelms my weak little heart, and I cry....a lot.  When you love so deeply, you risk losing so deeply.

We have court this week.  The State has decided to file for termination of parental rights on Roo's parents.  It's such a weird place to be in again.  We went through this somewhat with Emma; however, things happened so quickly by the time we got her that it was all kind of a fog.  We didn't know much about the situation, didn't really know the family, the circumstances, etc.  Didn't know the social workers, etc.  With Roo it's so different....we've had her so long, we know all the workers, we know her Mom, we know her siblings and grandparents, we know the Judge.  And, here we are.

This week will be the 'culmination' of the past 11 months for Roo.  Several will get up to testify.  It will be an all day court hearing to decide what is in the best interest of this preicous little girl.

Last weekend, we went to my parents' house and all my siblings were there and I watched them interact with her and love her, as if she were already a part of the family.

Last night, we went to some dear friends' house and I watched them intereact and love on her as if she were already a part of our family and friendships.

This morning, I watched Steve go get her from her crib when she woke up...she hugged him, bouncing up and down that "Daddy" had come and gotten her.

Then, I saw her play with Emma and them both just delighting in each other....they're already 'sisters' by heart.

Oh......it's so hard.  How to love so deeply and risk losing this precious little girl we've come to love so much.

And, yet....we've walked part of this journey before........even if rights are terminated, I won't be rejoicing.  Yes, I will be thankful that Roo gets to stay with us; however, I know that there will be a day ahead where there will be an ache for the loss she'll have to go through with her bio family.  Having walked through heartache and loss with Emma, I know we'd experience that to do a degree with Roo.  That's not God's best.  In a perfect world, families would have no issues or dysfunction and these kids would be able to stay with their parents and bio family.  BUT, we live in a fallen world with sin and pain and some times they can't.

SO. HARD.

We laugh now because God is so funny.  He knows what our hearts need to say 'yes'.......and yet He knows the end of the story.  He knows that we NEVER would have said 'yes' to this situation, had we known we'd be here 11 months later......at this point.  NO. WAY.  I mean, who wants to risk getting their heart ripped out after raising a child for 11 months?  Uh...not me.  I'm not that spiritual. :)

BUT.....we said 'yes' for a week........then 3 months.......then 3 more months............etc.  And, here we are. Eleven months later.  We've gone back to the 'baby' stage and added a 4th child to our home.  Pure craziness has been the past year.  Lack of sleep, for sure!  Realizing our age, for sure! lol  Figuring out how to do this 'baby stage' again and feeling like first-time parents all over again! lol  BUT.......I've also learned just how adaptable we are, how willing we are to change and 'go with the flow'.  I've learned how to prioritize, learned just how large my capacity is.......learned so much about myself and my family and about God in the midst of it all.

And, in the middle of it all, we've gotten to love this precious, adorable little girl.  I can't imagine our lives without her.  Eleven months......at least 162 hours a week in our care.........in our hearts' she's already "ours" and yet, legally, she is not.  Ugh.  Such a balance to walk in our hearts.

And, yet feeling more and more convinced that JESUS is worth all the pain and heartache....we will be His friend in the midst of injustice.  We will go into the dark areas of this life and be His friend in the middle of it all.

AND...Roo is worth it!  She deserves normalcy.  She deserves to be loved completely.  Deserves to be part of a family and just be a baby, growing up and having not a care in the world.

So.....we continue on.  This week, is the culmination of the past 11 months.  COURT.  We will probably not have any answers this week; however, we'll be one step closer to finality.  A finality that we ALL need.....bio family, Roo, and us.

Please pray for us as we walk this out.  Please pray for Roo's bio family as they also walk this out.  And, please pray for sweet precious Roo, that the Lord will hold and protect her little heart and that she will continue to be overwhelmed with peace and love in the midst of the swirl of craziness that surrounds her.

Thank you to all our friends and family who have walked this crazy journey of love with us.  We could NEVER do this without you!!!!!!!!!!

Wow!  I can't believe that it's been over 6 months since I posted!  Life has been crazy, full of ups and downs and as I've mentioned, it's just beyond challenging some times to get a post off. lol  But, thought I'd take a moment to drop in and at least say hello.  Not sure if anyone reads this anymore, but for anyone who does...here's a blog post so you know I'm still alive! :)

I was thinking the other day, it's been 5 years since we were planning to move to KC,  almost 4 years since we had our first foster child, almost 2 years since we moved back to Iowa and met Emma, and almost a year since we added a baby to our life.  Needless to say, it's been a crazy few years!!! :)

This morning, this verse is so real to my heart:

  “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Ps 31:14-15

I am more aware than ever, that we make our plans, we think we know what's right, but the Lord is in control.  I NEVER could have imagined all that has taken place in the past 5 years!  Some amazing things, some very difficult things, but all things the Lord has used to change us, mold us, and disciple us more and more into His image and likeness.

Thus, I want to start this blog back up again and just share things as they come and share what the Lord is doing in our hearts.  I have missed all this.  So, for anyone still reading, I am 'back' and will be sharing more as I have time......but, definitely more than 1x in 6 mos! :)

Let me know if there's anything you want me to write about or share....and I'll see what I can do! :)

For now, here's a few pictures of the kiddos.......


Brennan is now 17 1/2 and dances to the beat of his own drum! lol  He likes to come up with crazy combinations for clothing. :)  Here he thought it just might be fun to throw on some suspenders.....my grandpa would have been proud! lol  Since Bren graduated early last year, he's been working full time and taking some courses at DMACC.

Brennan did give us quite the scare this Spring.  He got a really bad eye infection and we had to take him to the emergency room, a Specialist, then they sent us to Iowa City, and then back to a Cornea Specialist.  It was so very scary to see him like that and we spent more time at eye specialist appointments than either of us care to ever spend again!!!  SO GRATEFUL, though, that his sight returned and he is even back to being able to wear contacts!!!  Yay!


One thing we've been conscious of lately and trying to do more is spending time alone with just the boys.  They are at such a different age than the girls and we just realized we needed to carve out time for just the big kids.  So, our last time was grabbing a movie and some ice cream together.  We're trying to do every other month, or once a month, when we can.  Really think this is important.  They are amazing boys and have really jumped in and said 'yes' to foster care and adoption and we want to make sure they also get undivided time and attention with us!  We so enjoyed our time out with just them and I think it filled all our love tanks! :)





Nate will be 15 this summer!  How crazy is that?!  He is homeschooling again this year and does well!  He is anxiously awaiting August and starting football again!! :)  Nate is absolutely amazing with Emma and Roo.  Emma adores him and they have the same quirky sense of humor and laugh a lot together! :)






Emma turned 6 recently!  She has lost 2 teeth and is growing up so much!!  This year has been full of major ups and downs, but we are in a great spot at the moment.  She struggled a lot for awhile with school stuff and the transition to all day Kindergarten; however, the teachers and principal have been amazing at helping us help her!  We also got connected to Post-Adoption support, through DHS, and the lady with whom we work has been a God-send!  She's adopted a lot of kids, several through the foster care system and 'gets it'.  She's been a wonderful advocate for us through the school system.  Emma is really beginning to get the hang of reading and loves it!  She is also becoming so much more secure in our family, knowing she won't go anywhere, and is settling down and learning to love and be loved.  It's been fun to watch her grow this year! :)

 She definitely also dances to the beat of her own drum and likes to come up with all sorts of crazy clothing combinations for school.  This picture does not do justice to just how bright this outfit was! lol  So fun!

 We had fun for Em's birthday.  Met up with her two bio sisters and took them to a nearby salon for some 'pampering'.  Got their nails done, toenails, and hair and 'make-up'.  They LOVED it and it was so fun to see them be together and get all 'dolled up'.  It's certainly been a new experience to have a girl in the house, and it's so fun to watch her enjoy all things 'girly'!!! 

As for the baby..."Roo"......we still have her!  CRAZY!!!  They'd originally asked us to take her for a week, and here we are almost 11 months later and she's sitll in our home!  In fact, things have changed so much that we now have a Termination of Parental Rights hearing next week!  Then we wait to see what the judge decides.  Could take up to 6 more months! :/  IF rights are terminated, we plan to pursue adoption of Roo, as everyone in our family loves her, and after 11 months, she is already such a part of our family.  NEVER could have imagined having a baby in the home again, but God has other plans! :)  So, we wait....we love deeply, knowing that we risk losing deeply if she goes home.  But, she is worth it......so we love and trust Jesus with our hearts. :)

Miss Me?

Well hello blog world! lol Yes, I am still here and yes, I am alive, and yes, we are doing well! :)

Life has just been CRAZY busy!!!! I feel like I am often barely keeping my head above water and barely keeping anything together! lol The other day I was a bit frustrated with my lack of organizational skills and forgetting some things and then Steve and I were talking and it just hit us....

Uh......we went from 2, fairly self-sufficient boys, living in KC......to moving back to Iowa, adding a foster child a week later, then six months later adopting her....three and a half months after that adding a foster newborn.........and I wonder why I feel a bit as though my head is barely above water. Life has changed DRASTICALLY in a year and I'm just trying to play catch up! Plus, Emma was a lot higher needs when she moved in and we've been with a lot and worked through a lot in transitioning and then with Roo, she's just quite simply been a newborn, so......we've added two 'high needs' girls in a year, too. lol

Anyway, we are all well and I hope to write more soon, but if I don't........know we're ok, but I quite simply very rarely get time to myself to actually write anything worth reading! lol

Rough Nite! :/

Well, the last 48 hours have been rather interesting........AND ROUGH!!!

I woke up Monday morning with a horrible pain in my neck, on the left side. Figuring I'd just slept wrong, I just popped some ibuprofen and went about my day. However, it was just bothering me all day. The ibuprofen didn't really help much.

That night, I woke up at 2:30am and it hurt so bad I couldn't go back to sleep. I knew I'd be calling the chiropractor that morning! So, I called him and got right in. He adjusted me and then felt around my neck. He said it was the 'tightest' he'd ever seen. Bad muscle spasm. He hooked me up to the electrical stim machine and then did a lot of massage therapy on it, trying to work on the range of motion.

When I left it still hurt, but seemed much better. He told me to work all day on just trying to move it around. He got it to loosen up, but wanted to work on me getting the range of motion back.

So, I spent the day trying to get through it. I stretched, iced it, took ibuprofen, but it just wasn't cutting it. The pain was so intense. So, I finally made the decision it was time to head to Urgent Care, and deal with it, because I knew I wouldn't get any sleep with as much pain as I was in.

Went to Urgent care about 7pm, only to find out there was a 40-45 minute wait. I have to say I hate when places are called 'urgent care' and you still have to wait almost an hour to be seen! So, I sat in the waiting room and fought back tears the entire time. The pain was excruciating.

Finally, they called my name and I went back to a room. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was 163/103! She says, "Uh, that' really high, you must be in a lot of pain! I will get the doctor in her immediately."

It was then I could fight the pain no more, and I started sobbing. Pretty soon a medical student comes in and then the doctor. They order xrays and I go have them done. I am feeling like I'm going to pass out because it hurts so bad. Never have I had pain like this!

The xrays came back 'fine', however, my neck was straight up and down, not curved, on the xray which the doctor said showed him just how tight my neck was.

He ended up ordering me two shots - one of morphine and one muscle relaxer. The nurse came in and gave me the shots....and within a couple minutes I thought I was going to throw up. I broke out in a cold sweat and they made me lie down on the table. They put cold packs on my forehead and chest. I laid there with tears rolling down my face. It was so awful.

Finally, the nausea subsided and I was sent on my way with 3 prescriptions in hand. One for pain, one muscle relaxer, and an anti-inflammatory.

Started taking those before bed and in the middle of the night I was up throwing up. Then came morning and took them again and I threw up again. SO AWFUL!!!!! I just sat in the bathroom bawling. If I couldn't keep the meds down, then the pain wouldn't go away, and I couldn't sleep. Ugh.

Finally, early this morning I thought of my brother-in-law, Mark. He's a nurse anethesist and really good at what he does. He knows drugs! :) So, I called him up, told him the story, and asked him what I should do. He gave me a different way to structure the drugs so it wouldn't be so hard on my stomach

Been doing that all day......and been in bed all day.......and I am finally getting on top it. It still hurts, but it's tolerable and I can function upright for a bit! And, there's no more throwing up.

Whew!!!!!! I NEVER want to go through that again. The pain was so intense!

Emma's a Kindergartener!

There was great excitement in our house this morning...Emma started Kindergarten today! :)

She had picked out her outfit last night, so this morning, she was excited to get up and put it on, as well as pick out how she wanted her hair done. I think she did a great job and looks pretty darn cute, don't ya' think?! :)

The thing that did make me smile was the ORANGE flip flops she decided to wear. Never mind that there's zero orange on her outfit OR that she has pink flip flops.....she wanted orange......so she wore orange. :) I love that she dances to the beat of her own drum! lol

It was pretty chilly this morning, so she decided to grab her pink sweater.......and she endured me taking even more pictures! lol She was very gracious with all the pictures I took! :)

She was super excited to get to wear her backpack, too! We looked long and hard for the 'right' backpack. When she saw this one she knew she loved it. Why? Because it had the most amount of princesses on it. lol OF COURSE! :)

Roo had been up at 4:30am and then I had barely fallen back asleep before it was time to get up and get Emma ready. So, I literally rolled out of bed and got her ready.....then we snapped a picture. lol

Then we got a picture of Emma with Daddy! :) He took her to school, figuring he'd do a lot better emotionally than I would dropping her off! This past year has gone by so fast, it's hard to believe she's already in Kindergarten! She's growing up so fast!

She had a GREAT first day!!! She was so excited and talked all evening about every detail of the day! She seriously told us all the rules, too - even suggesting that we all start raising our hands to talk, even at home. lol Too cute!

So glad she had a great day. I fully expect her to have a great year! Her teacher has been teaching several years. She seems 'no nonsense', but really nice. Emma seems to like her, so that's good! :)

Cuteness!

Could she get any cuter? :) Love her so much!♥