Are you getting attached?

We have had little "Roo", our newborn foster baby now for four weeks today. The time has gone by quickly, and although we're lacking sleep and juggling a lot more craziness these days....we have all quickly fallen in love with this precious little girl and feel honored to be a place of refuge for her during this traumatic period of her little life.

We have people often ask us many questions with regard to Roo, and some we can answer and some we cannot, due to confidentiality with regard to Roo, her family, and the situation. However, there are two questions that I get asked pretty much every time someone sees us and talks to us.

So, as I sit here this morning with a little girl fast asleep on my chest and a laptop in front of me, I am going to try to answer these two questions from my heart.

The two questions are:

- "Aren't you afraid of getting attached? I could never do what you guys do, especially with a newborn baby because I'd be afraid of getting attached."

- "Do you feel like you have to guard your heart so it won't hurt so much if she goes home?"

The questions might be a bit different, but the jist of the question is still the same along those two lines......attachment and guarding my heart.

First let me say this............I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND why people are asking these questions and I understand where they are coming from. I used to ask the same questions in my head. These two questions, honestly, kept me from wanting to jump in and be a foster parent for many years. I was scared of my heart. Scared of getting hurt, scared of loving too deeply. And, trust me, I've had plenty of people afraid for my heart. People know how I can be sensitive and feel deeply, and many of those closest to me couldn't imagine how I could love a child and then let them go. I get it. I really do.

However, over the past 2 1/2 yrs. of being a foster parent, God has done such an amazing work in my heart. And, quite honestly, the many years before that as He relentlessly pursued my heart.

Here's the bottom line: Being a foster parent isn't about ME. Period.

The reality of that became clear with our very first foster child, a 3 1/2 yr. old boy we referred to as "Little Guy". He came to us in April of 2009 and forever changed me! God did such an amazing work during that week! I have never seen a child change so dramatically in front of my very eyes. He was using pretty much only curse words when he came, and was crazy out of control. But, by the time he left our home, just 6 days later, he was singing songs to Jesus, could get himself under control, and was giving and receiving love. It was one of the most incredible transformations I'd ever seen and I fell head over heels in love with this adorable little boy.

However, as you can read about in the following links, if you want, it was one of the most gut-wrenching seasons of my life, too. I have never loved so deeply and lost so deeply. I knew it was part of foster care, but I never expected to love so deeply anyway, and the loss was almost more than I could bare. Not just the loss, but the whole circumstances surrounding the loss. It was my first experience with a crazy, mixed us system, and a little child lost in the midst of it. I have never felt such injustice.

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/16/fostering-2/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/17/houdini-or-spiderman/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/18/so-tired-2/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/18/love-is-winning/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/monday-2/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/little-guys-last-night/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/little-guy-has-left/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/please-pray/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/tuesday-update-on-little-guy/

http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/final-update-on-little-guy/

But, it was also during this time that the Lord ministered to my heart in such an incredible way, too. He showed me that He was inviting us to be His friend not just in the caring for these children, but also in the pain of loss....in the pain and sorrow of injustice. We were feeling what He feels. I remember the agonizing days after Little Guy left and telling both Steve and God that I didn't think I could do this anymore, that it hurt too much. But, God is so kind......He's not afraid of my weak, little human heart. He draws me with loving kindness and pursues me, knowing my frame and speaking to the deep places as only He can! Oh how I love Him!

So, during the days and weeks and months that followed I wrestled with this whole issue. How could I love so deeply and lose so deeply? How could I guard my heart more so it didn't hurt so much? It was a painful time, but a time of experiencing a friendship with the Lord that I never had known before. I was so aware of a divine invitation to partner with Him, not just in joy, but in suffering on behalf of an 'orphan'. And, He was giving me the option of saying 'yes' or 'no'. I felt no guilt or condemnation, but that He was giving me a choice of choosing. Such a holy invitation.

After a season of working through the things of my heart, I said "yes". I said yes to not knowing, yet to loving deeply and completely, and yes to 'losing'.

So..........sharing that brief story.........I find it almost somewhat 'humorous' when people talk about me being 'attached' or 'guarding my heart'. You see, I settled that issued 2 years ago when my heart broke more than I knew possible. I re-signed up for this ministry of foster care. I re-signed up for laying my life down for these little ones who have no one. I re-died to myself and my wants, needs, and comfort. I re-committed to loving Jesus this way, to partnering with Him in injustice, and to giving my heart freely to Him...........all the way, no holding back. And, with each new child He brings into our home, I re-sign up to being His friend in this way.

So, yes...........I WILL BECOME ATTACHED. With little Roo......my heart is totally and completely IN. We are holding nothing back. We are loving her as if she were our own. I don't know how you can be up all night, fix bottles, bathe and take care of a little one, and not let your heart become involved.....at least I can't......but, honestly......we are TRYING to attach to little Roo. Why? BECAUSE SHE NEEDS THAT. She needs comfort, holding, nurturing, and LOVE. Totally, completely......with nothing held back. She deserves that. She is worth it!

It's not her fault that she is in this situation. She is a precious, helpless newborn, who has done nothing to deserve this. How selfish of me would it be to hold my heart back and not give her what she needs or deserves, simply because I was 'afraid'? No, I can't do that. She deserves MUCH MORE! She deserves unconditional love......no holding back regardless of the outcome.

So, do I guard my heart? NO. I do not. And, no....we don't know the future. At this point, all plans are for reunification, not adoption. It may come to that, I don't know.......but, that's not my focus. My plan is that she will be reunified with one or both parents. At this point, that is the end we're all working toward. So, if that happens, will my heart hurt. Yes, it will. Will I cry and be sad...yes, I will. Will I feel a deep ache and loss? Yes. Why? Because I loved deeply with nothing held back. If you love deeply, you lose deeply.

Am I scared of that? Honestly........a little. However, it will also mean I loved well. It will mean I did my job as a foster parent well. It will mean, I partnered with Jesus well. It will mean, little Roo got everything we could give her during her time with us.

BUT, just because I'm scared, does that mean I hold my heart back? Does that mean I don't love Roo with all that I am right now? No. That would be so incredibly selfish for me to think about my heart and not give her all that she needs. Jesus can be trusted with my heart. He knows me, He loves me, and He will give me all my heart needs in the days ahead, whatever that looks like.

So, yes I am, and will become even more attached, because I am choosing to love and to love well and deeply with all that I am. But, no...I am not guarding my heart for fear of the future. I can't......little Roo deserves so much more, but ultimately..........it's about me signing up to partner with Jesus this way, and I can trust Him with my heart. He gave all and I will give all for the sake of love. How can I do any less?