Attached?

Not that long after we got Roo last summer, I wrote this post:

http://pursuedbylove.blogspot.com/2011/07/are-you-getting-attached.html


I talked about probably the most frequent question we get about having foster kids, in general, but in particular Roo, as just a baby.  It's something along the lines of, "I could never do what you do.  I'd get too attached.  Aren't you worried about getting attached?"

While I still fully agree with everything that I wrote initially, namely "it's not about me" and "she's worth it".......I have to be honest and say it's gotten much, much harder to carry my heart in this crazy season.  This upcoming week, Roo will have been with us 11 months....the first 11 months of her life.  We are pretty much all she has ever known.  I cannot fathom her leaving.  I cannot fathom her not being a part of our family.  I cannot fathom how much our hearts would hurt, but most of all, I can't fathom what it would do to her to rip away her 'normal'.  Ugh....I try so hard not to go there.

Am I scared?  A little.  I try really hard not to focus on her possibly leaving, but to just enjoy her now and love her now and just give her the best start to her life as possible.  I love her as if she is ours' and will never leave........with that 'nagging' possible reality of her being returned forever in the back of my brain.

But, I'm human.  Some days the reality of what we've said 'yes' to, what we've been through, and what we still have to walk out....it overwhelms my weak little heart, and I cry....a lot.  When you love so deeply, you risk losing so deeply.

We have court this week.  The State has decided to file for termination of parental rights on Roo's parents.  It's such a weird place to be in again.  We went through this somewhat with Emma; however, things happened so quickly by the time we got her that it was all kind of a fog.  We didn't know much about the situation, didn't really know the family, the circumstances, etc.  Didn't know the social workers, etc.  With Roo it's so different....we've had her so long, we know all the workers, we know her Mom, we know her siblings and grandparents, we know the Judge.  And, here we are.

This week will be the 'culmination' of the past 11 months for Roo.  Several will get up to testify.  It will be an all day court hearing to decide what is in the best interest of this preicous little girl.

Last weekend, we went to my parents' house and all my siblings were there and I watched them interact with her and love her, as if she were already a part of the family.

Last night, we went to some dear friends' house and I watched them intereact and love on her as if she were already a part of our family and friendships.

This morning, I watched Steve go get her from her crib when she woke up...she hugged him, bouncing up and down that "Daddy" had come and gotten her.

Then, I saw her play with Emma and them both just delighting in each other....they're already 'sisters' by heart.

Oh......it's so hard.  How to love so deeply and risk losing this precious little girl we've come to love so much.

And, yet....we've walked part of this journey before........even if rights are terminated, I won't be rejoicing.  Yes, I will be thankful that Roo gets to stay with us; however, I know that there will be a day ahead where there will be an ache for the loss she'll have to go through with her bio family.  Having walked through heartache and loss with Emma, I know we'd experience that to do a degree with Roo.  That's not God's best.  In a perfect world, families would have no issues or dysfunction and these kids would be able to stay with their parents and bio family.  BUT, we live in a fallen world with sin and pain and some times they can't.

SO. HARD.

We laugh now because God is so funny.  He knows what our hearts need to say 'yes'.......and yet He knows the end of the story.  He knows that we NEVER would have said 'yes' to this situation, had we known we'd be here 11 months later......at this point.  NO. WAY.  I mean, who wants to risk getting their heart ripped out after raising a child for 11 months?  Uh...not me.  I'm not that spiritual. :)

BUT.....we said 'yes' for a week........then 3 months.......then 3 more months............etc.  And, here we are. Eleven months later.  We've gone back to the 'baby' stage and added a 4th child to our home.  Pure craziness has been the past year.  Lack of sleep, for sure!  Realizing our age, for sure! lol  Figuring out how to do this 'baby stage' again and feeling like first-time parents all over again! lol  BUT.......I've also learned just how adaptable we are, how willing we are to change and 'go with the flow'.  I've learned how to prioritize, learned just how large my capacity is.......learned so much about myself and my family and about God in the midst of it all.

And, in the middle of it all, we've gotten to love this precious, adorable little girl.  I can't imagine our lives without her.  Eleven months......at least 162 hours a week in our care.........in our hearts' she's already "ours" and yet, legally, she is not.  Ugh.  Such a balance to walk in our hearts.

And, yet feeling more and more convinced that JESUS is worth all the pain and heartache....we will be His friend in the midst of injustice.  We will go into the dark areas of this life and be His friend in the middle of it all.

AND...Roo is worth it!  She deserves normalcy.  She deserves to be loved completely.  Deserves to be part of a family and just be a baby, growing up and having not a care in the world.

So.....we continue on.  This week, is the culmination of the past 11 months.  COURT.  We will probably not have any answers this week; however, we'll be one step closer to finality.  A finality that we ALL need.....bio family, Roo, and us.

Please pray for us as we walk this out.  Please pray for Roo's bio family as they also walk this out.  And, please pray for sweet precious Roo, that the Lord will hold and protect her little heart and that she will continue to be overwhelmed with peace and love in the midst of the swirl of craziness that surrounds her.

Thank you to all our friends and family who have walked this crazy journey of love with us.  We could NEVER do this without you!!!!!!!!!!