Today is Nathan's 14th birthday!!! :) It's been a full day, so I don't have much time to write at the moment, but I will in the next day or two, because there is much I want to say about this amazing young man whom I am so blessed to call my son!!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
2nd most frequent question about foster care
As a follow-up to the last post I made, here is the 2nd most frequent question we get asked about foster care......
"How are the boys with all this?" or "How is Emma doing with little Roo?"
We seriously get asked that just as much as we get asked if we're becoming attached to her. Again, I get it - I'd ask the same thing. So, I thought I'd use the blog to address this issue for anyone reading it. :)
First, let me start by saying this was probably my #1 reason for delaying entering the foster care world. I was terrified of how my boys would be affected. They were young, vulnerable and how would it work for them with sharing their parents, getting attached, seeing the child leave, etc.? Also, depending on the child or children, could they possibly be hurt, etc. It was a very real fear and one that Steve and I talked about often. So, initially we made the decision that we'd never take a child older than our own boys. That was a good decision. Now, with a little girl of our own, we are even more cautious.
However, as I've stated before, in the very beginning of entering this type of ministry, we sat our boys down and explained to them about the whole foster care arena. They were 14 and 11 at the time. It wasn't completely foreign to them because, at the time, we were living in the Kansas City area and connected to the International House of Prayer. Part of their main focus is loving orphans. So, for the boys, it seemed completely 'normal' because so many of their friends either had foster siblings or their families had adopted one or several children. I LOVED that (and miss it!). So, when we first sat down with them, they were kinda like "Well it's about time we jump in." lol I love how kids are just ready to jump and just say 'yes'. lol But
, as adults and parents we needed to make sure that they understood, as best they could, what changes this would mean for our family. So, we talked about this a lot for about a year before we received our first foster child. We wanted them to know that this was not going to be a 'Steve and Debi show'. We would enter this as a FAMILY MINISTRY. Therefore, each call we got - Steve and I would have the final say - but, we totally wanted their input. If they said 'no', we respected that, regardless of whether we agreed or not. With that, they came to trust us that we would 'protect' them and that we cared about them and their feelings first and foremost. We grew so much as a family because we all prayed about it and talked so much.
Over the past several years, we've seen our boys grow IMMENSELY in this area. It has been an amazing thing to watch these two teenage boys as they've been stre
tched and accepted the challenge to grow. Yes, there have been difficult times, and times we've had to tweak things together as a family; however, they have learned to love when it's hard, learned to love unconditionally, learned to trust us on a whole new level and learned to lay down their selfishness for another, etc. We've also made it a priority to spend time with JUST OUR KIDS, so that they know they are always FIRST in our hearts.
So, seeing what has happened in our own boys' hearts, I would not trade this journey for anything. I love seeing what God has done in them! Here's an old blog post: http://pursuedbylove.wordpress.com/2009/08/19/our-amaz
And, here we are again.......this time with Emma being added to our family, and now having little Roo in our home. We purposely decided NOT to accept any placements for awhile because we wanted to focus on attaching to Emma and keeping things as stable for her as possible. However, when we got this call for Roo, we sat all three kids down and talked about it. They all, wholeheartedly said 'yes'. I honestly was a bit worried about Emm
a, because, after all - she is 5 and can be up one day and down the next. We've fought for attachment and pursued her heart so much, that I was a bit concerned what this would do to our relationship and to her heart. It was such a leap of faith and a stepping into the 'unknown'. We were not only saying 'yes' to a precious little girl, but we were yet again entrusting the hearts of our own children to the Lord, believing that He could best take care of them.
However, I have to say, we have been PLEASANTLY SURPRISED with how amazingly well Emma has done and how good of a situation this has been. I think you really have to pray and 'know' each time you bring a child into your home and get the mind of the Lord. I, personally, am not for just taking in any child that comes our way. It has to be a 'good fit' for your family. And, with Roo we 'knew' we were to take her, so it's been so awesome to see how well Emma has done and adjusted. I think it was honestly more of an adjusted for Brennan when Nate was born and came into our world, than now adding a fourth child to our home! lol
Emma is such a sweet, sensitive little girl, so she is LOVING being Mommy's helper. I call her my little 'shadow'. She loves to do anything I will let her do with regard to Roo - pick out her outfit for the day, get a diaper, help her with tummy time, talk to her during wake time, get her to smile, etc. She is CONSTANTLY giving her kisses and telling her she loves her. If anything I have to hold her back from doing 'too much'! lol It has been so beautiful to watch Emma, a former foster child, now adopted and loving on a foster child. Amazing!
But, what I didn't expect, was how God would use this to bring even more healing to Emma's heart. Watching Roo go through visits and court hearings and all th
at, it's brought interesting conversations to the forefront. Emma's began asking questions and talking about her own journey more. We've talked about how she was in foster care and had visits with her bio Mom. About how she has siblings in other homes. About her adoption. Etc. It's been so healing to see her almost understand her life more as she's seeing it visually played out in Roo's life before her very eyes. I love how God is doing that!
We keep mentioning that we don't know for how long Roo will be with us, so that she knows this isn't necessarily permanent and she just kinda rolls her eyes and
says, "I knooooow Mommy, you already told me that". Almost as if "do you think that would make me love her any less now?" lol
And, if the day comes when Roo leaves and is reunited with her bio Mom, then I'm sure there'll be a lot of tears and sad faces around here, simply because we've loved well and invested so much into her life. BUT, here's one of the biggest things my children are learning........you love deeply, you lose deeply..........that just means you loved well and each child is worth loving.
We're not afraid of emotion at our house. It's ok to be sad. It's
ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. I want my children to grow up knowing that we don't guard our hearts because we're afraid of hurting. I want them to grow up knowing all that I posted in my last post......we love freely and unreservedly because we can trust Jesus with our own hearts. He alone is our anchor, our source, our hope. There is hurt and pain and injustice in this life, but He is our comfort and peace.
So.......that's how our kids are doing. AMAZINGLY well! Yes, we have our moments, as we're all human, but there has been almost zero jealousy or acting out. I am blown away by how unselfish our kids have been, even when their Mom is sorely lacking sleep! lol They give me so much grace! :) I love them so much and love what God is teaching them and showing them about loving beyond themselves. So grateful!!!!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Are you getting attached?
We have had little "Roo", our newborn foster baby now for four weeks today. The time has gone by quickly, and although we're lacking sleep and juggling a lot more craziness these days....we have all quickly fallen in love with this precious little girl and feel honored to be a place of refuge for her during this traumatic period of her little life.
We have people often ask us many questions with regard to Roo, and some we can answer and some we cannot, due to confidentiality with regard to Roo, her family, and the situation. However, there are two questions that I get asked pretty much every time someone sees us and talks to us.
So, as I sit here this morning with a little girl fast asleep on my chest and a laptop in front of me, I am going to try to answer these two questions from my heart.
The two questions are:
- "Aren't you afraid of getting attached? I could never do what you guys do, especially with a newborn baby because I'd be afraid of getting attached."
- "Do you feel like you have to guard your heart so it won't hurt so much if she goes home?"
The questions might be a bit different, but the jist of the question is still the same along those two lines......attachment and guarding my heart.
First let me say this............I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND why people are asking these questions and I understand where they are coming from. I used to ask the same questions in my head. These two questions, honestly, kept me from wanting to jump in and be a foster parent for many years. I was scared of my heart. Scared of getting hurt, scared of loving too deeply. And, trust me, I've had plenty of people afraid for my heart. People know how I can be sensitive and feel deeply, and many of those closest to me couldn't imagine how I could love a child and then let them go. I get it. I really do.
However, over the past 2 1/2 yrs. of being a foster parent, God has done such an amazing work in my heart. And, quite honestly, the many years before that as He relentlessly pursued my heart.
Here's the bottom line: Being a foster parent isn't about ME. Period.
The reality of that became clear with our very first foster child, a 3 1/2 yr. old boy we referred to as "Little Guy". He came to us in April of 2009 and forever changed me! God did such an amazing work during that week! I have never seen a child change so dramatically in front of my very eyes. He was using pretty much only curse words when he came, and was crazy out of control. But, by the time he left our home, just 6 days later, he was singing songs to Jesus, could get himself under control, and was giving and receiving love. It was one of the most incredible transformations I'd ever seen and I fell head over heels in love with this adorable little boy.
However, as you can read about in the following links, if you want, it was one of the most gut-wrenching seasons of my life, too. I have never loved so deeply and lost so deeply. I knew it was part of foster care, but I never expected to love so deeply anyway, and the loss was almost more than I could bare. Not just the loss, but the whole circumstances surrounding the loss. It was my first experience with a crazy, mixed us system, and a little child lost in the midst of it. I have never felt such injustice.
But, it was also during this time that the Lord ministered to my heart in such an incredible way, too. He showed me that He was inviting us to be His friend not just in the caring for these children, but also in the pain of loss....in the pain and sorrow of injustice. We were feeling what He feels. I remember the agonizing days after Little Guy left and telling both Steve and God that I didn't think I could do this anymore, that it hurt too much. But, God is so kind......He's not afraid of my weak, little human heart. He draws me with loving kindness and pursues me, knowing my frame and speaking to the deep places as only He can! Oh how I love Him!
So, during the days and weeks and months that followed I wrestled with this whole issue. How could I love so deeply and lose so deeply? How could I guard my heart more so it didn't hurt so much? It was a painful time, but a time of experiencing a friendship with the Lord that I never had known before. I was so aware of a divine invitation to partner with Him, not just in joy, but in suffering on behalf of an 'orphan'. And, He was giving me the option of saying 'yes' or 'no'. I felt no guilt or condemnation, but that He was giving me a choice of choosing. Such a holy invitation.
After a season of working through the things of my heart, I said "yes". I said yes to not knowing, yet to loving deeply and completely, and yes to 'losing'.
So..........sharing that brief story.........I find it almost somewhat 'humorous' when people talk about me being 'attached' or 'guarding my heart'. You see, I settled that issued 2 years ago when my heart broke more than I knew possible. I re-signed up for this ministry of foster care. I re-signed up for laying my life down for these little ones who have no one. I re-died to myself and my wants, needs, and comfort. I re-committed to loving Jesus this way, to partnering with Him in injustice, and to giving my heart freely to Him...........all the way, no holding back. And, with each new child He brings into our home, I re-sign up to being His friend in this way.
So, yes...........I WILL BECOME ATTACHED. With little Roo......my heart is totally and completely IN. We are holding nothing back. We are loving her as if she were our own. I don't know how you can be up all night, fix bottles, bathe and take care of a little one, and not let your heart become involved.....at least I can't......but, honestly......we are TRYING to attach to little Roo. Why? BECAUSE SHE NEEDS THAT. She needs comfort, holding, nurturing, and LOVE. Totally, completely......with nothing held back. She deserves that. She is worth it!
It's not her fault that she is in this situation. She is a precious, helpless newborn, who has done nothing to deserve this. How selfish of me would it be to hold my heart back and not give her what she needs or deserves, simply because I was 'afraid'? No, I can't do that. She deserves MUCH MORE! She deserves unconditional love......no holding back regardless of the outcome.
So, do I guard my heart? NO. I do not. And, no....we don't know the future. At this point, all plans are for reunification, not adoption. It may come to that, I don't know.......but, that's not my focus. My plan is that she will be reunified with one or both parents. At this point, that is the end we're all working toward. So, if that happens, will my heart hurt. Yes, it will. Will I cry and be sad...yes, I will. Will I feel a deep ache and loss? Yes. Why? Because I loved deeply with nothing held back. If you love deeply, you lose deeply.
Am I scared of that? Honestly........a little. However, it will also mean I loved well. It will mean I did my job as a foster parent well. It will mean, I partnered with Jesus well. It will mean, little Roo got everything we could give her during her time with us.
BUT, just because I'm scared, does that mean I hold my heart back? Does that mean I don't love Roo with all that I am right now? No. That would be so incredibly selfish for me to think about my heart and not give her all that she needs. Jesus can be trusted with my heart. He knows me, He loves me, and He will give me all my heart needs in the days ahead, whatever that looks like.
So, yes I am, and will become even more attached, because I am choosing to love and to love well and deeply with all that I am. But, no...I am not guarding my heart for fear of the future. I can't......little Roo deserves so much more, but ultimately..........it's about me signing up to partner with Jesus this way, and I can trust Him with my heart. He gave all and I will give all for the sake of love. How can I do any less?
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Our Anniversary
Today is our Anniversary and we currently have a newborn foster baby in our home! We are all really enjoying getting to love on this precious little baby! The boys and Emma have been amazing at helping and loving so well. It's truly been beautiful to watch! I just wrote a note on FB, but wanted to post it here, as well. I am so in love with my husband......18 years ago today we were married, and I would TOTALLY say "yes" all over again!!!! :)
I have been thinking about this for quite awhile, but wanted to write a note about it today, as our 18th Anniversary seems the appropriate time to do so! :)
We have been foster parents now for about 2 1/2 yrs. and I often have people come up to me and say something like, "You guys are so amazing! How in the world did you get your husband to go along with all this taking in of kids? I can totally see you doing this, but how did you get Steve to go along with it?"
It cracks me up every single time because it was NOTHING at all like that! Rather, totally the opposite! lol I promise to share our full story at some point, but for now let me just say this...
Before we got married, we talked of having lots of kids and maybe working in an orphanage overseas, etc. However, we got married young - I was 19 and Steve was 21. Unexpectedly, we started having kids quite quickly after getting married. We were young, immature, and entered the world of parenthood totally unprepared (who is? lol). It was difficult and quite honestly the last thing on my mind was that we would EVER foster or adopt a child. It was all I could do to take care of 1 child, and then our two boys! I was overwhelmed and clueless. lol
So, as time went on, and they got older and more independent, the less and less I wanted anything to do with 'taking care of someone else's children'. However, since before we got married, my husband has LONGED to love orphans. I can't tell you the times I've seen him with tears in his eyes over the lives of pregnant single moms, foster kids, orphans, etc. HE HAS BEEN THE ONE CHAMPIONING THE CAUSE OF THE ORPHAN IN OUR FAMILY since day one........not me! lol He has brought it up over the years, but I would always shut him down......quite honestly just very 'comfortable' with our own two boys and quite selfish with my own time, energy, and life in general....and also quite honestly, scared of my own weaknesses and the 'unknown'.
However, during our time in KC, God totally did a number on my heart! He stripped me from everything I'd known and through an incredible series of events, He birthed in me His heart. His pursuit of my heart blows me away and after our first foster child......I was wrecked! It hurt so much to love so deeply and 'lose' him so deeply and yet was one of the most incredible experiences as I touched the deep heart of God like never before! I partnered with Him in a way I never knew existed and all the ministry I'd done paled in comparison!
So, as I sit here today......completely exhausted by two almost sleepless nights with a precious little 4-day-old foster baby girl....my heart is yet again overwhelmed by this gift of my husband! He is a wonderful husband, loving me faithfully and selflessless. He cares more about my heart than anything else! He is my faithful friend, encourager, and biggest fan....cheering me on to the destiny God has for me. He is a wonderful Father, always taking time to pour into the hearts and lives of our kids, even when he's very busy or tired. He keeps his priorities straight.
And, his heart burns for these kids that do not have a Father or Mother. He longs to pour out a heart of a Father over their lives. I am humbled by his positive attitude, his servant's heart, and his willingness to always say 'yes' to the little ones God brings our way.
So, you see.......MY HUSBAND is the one who has always led the way in this journey of love. He has been an incredible behind-the-scenes leader. He has patiently led with his heart and trusted the Lord to pursue my heart in all this! I am so proud of him and honor Him for loving so well and being such an incredible example for our family. We are experiencing a new depth of God's heart because of Steve's leadership.....one that we would have missed, has I been in charge! lol I am so grateful for the last 18 years and eagerly look forward to the next 18 years and beyond!!!!♥
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Preschool Graduation
It's been an exciting day at our house. Emma graduated from preschool today!!! She was so excited and so silly this morning as we talked about it. Then, later when Steve, the boys, and I walked into the school for their final 'sing-along' and 'graduation', she was beaming and started waving so excitedly with a huge smile on her face! It was so fun to see her so excited. She would keep waving during the 'ceremony'. SO CUTE!
She has grown so much this year and the teacher is really excited about how far she's come. She's right up there with all the other kids academically and we are so proud of her!!!
So proud of our little preschool graduate!!!!! Way to go Emma!!!!!! :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
My heart
This morning I woke up thinking about the two foster kids we had last year, M & B. They were with us for 7 months and they secured a very deep place in our hearts. It was so very difficult when they moved them to a new home. The "plan" was for them to be returned to their dad a few months later, but quite honestly, the little we knew about the dad, we were not at all optimistic that he'd get them back nor that he could actually take care of them.
I have often thought of them and wondered how they were doing. We went through so much with them and really fought for their hearts, and especially with B, we did so much to facilitate attachment, that it's just hard to not think about them.
Usually I just look at pictures and pray for them, but today I decided to email the caseworker they had. Come to find out, she's no longer their caseworker and they've been transferred. So, this means, they've had THREE caseworkers in the last year. Hmmm....wonder how that works for them? Talk about instability. She forwarded my name onto the new caseworker, but honestly I'm not hopeful that I'll actually get a response. We shall see.
But, my heart just aches today. We really loved those kids and knew that they would not go to a good home environment if they went back with dad. We also knew that the new foster home after us did not want to keep them. I can only imagine what the last year has been like for them. M is now 11 and B is about ready to turn 4. I wish I could just 'see' them, even if from afar to know how they're doing.
This is the hard part of foster care, the part you know you're getting into when you say 'yes'......and the part that we embrace because the kids are so worth it. But, gonna be honest......today I just miss them and pray that God is keeping and protecting their hearts as they go through the craziness of the system.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saying Hello
Just a quick hello to leave a couple pics of 3 of my favorite people! :) I took these a week or so ago when all three were in the kitchen with me. Emma had just stuck a pretzel in her mouth, but was still able to manage a cute smile! lol I love these three so much. They're all so unique and different, but I love how different they are! So fun being their Mom!
Brennan is pretty excited - he just got his Driver's License! He has really become a great driver and it's so fun to see him become even more independent and loving driving! And, I must confess, it's super fun (and helpful) to be able to have him run to the store for me and pick up a gallon of milk! lol He thinks he's pretty big stuff and it's fun. Although, now he wants to drive, have Nate sit in the passenger seat and have Steve and I sit with Emma in the backseat! lol Uh....ok, SOMETIMES that's ok, but hey - it's still my car so I'll drive when I want to! lol
He's also super excited because he just got hired for his first job! At a grocery store in town. It's so weird to see your first born grow up, get his license, and then go interview and get hired for a job! I am still trying to figure out how these years flew by so quickly! It seems like just yesterday he was a baby! Crazy. But, we are super proud of him and love watching him grow up and blossom into this amazing young man! Can't wait to see him succeed at all that he sets his mind to do!
The other two are doing great as well......Nate is finishing up his schooling. Only has about three more weeks left with all his homeschooling and he will be done. We are looking into all our options for next year and aren't quite sure which route will go yet. He wants to homeschool again; however, we're looking into some possible dual enrollment or maybe a class or two at the nearby private school. It's crazy expensive to send him full-time, so we won't be doing that, but maybe a class or two. He really wants to play football, so we may try to get him in there to do that. We will see. Really praying about what's best for him. Emma is doing great. Enjoying the life of a preschooler! :) We still have some 'rough' days, but overall she is going onward and upward and we are seeing her grow and blossom! We are looking into fun things to do this summer to stay active and engaged, as she is not one to sit around and be bored! lol The most exciting thing on her radar is that she finally got to meet one of the little girls that lives next door. She amazes me with how readily she just goes and meets people! She saw the little girl outside and asked if she could go say hello. When we said 'yes' she was so excited, all smiles, and ran out the door to say hello. They hit it off and played until church tonight on the swing set. Really a nice, great family lives next door, we just hadn't really gotten the kids together with the crazy weather this winter and both our busy schedules. So happy for her to have some great girls next door, close to her age, to play with!
Anyway.........just a quick post. Will be writing more later this week! :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I'm Back!
Well, I took some time off (which about drove me crazy!) and found out who was 'lurking' and have since been in contact with that person. I feel much better about starting this blog back up. I will probably be a little more guarded as to the personal things I share; however, I feel as though I can start it back up and at least get back to blogging, which is what I love. So, watch for some posts from me again. :)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Coming to an end...
It is with great sadness that I have to write this, but it is something that must be done.
I have had a blog for the past 4 years and have loved every single moment of it. It's such an outlet for my heart....sharing much of who I am, who our family is, and our love for Jesus and all that He is doing in our lives. I am such a transparent person and love being able to share life with so many people.
However, as I've shared, we now have a precious new daughter. She was adopted out of the foster care system and it has become clear to us that it is in her best interest for us to take down our blog. Above my desire to blog, is my desire to protect her and to guard her. It has come to my attention that some are reading my blog and I don't know who they are. You can't find my blog in a search engine, so I don't know how people are getting my blog address, and that makes me really nervous, not knowing who is lurking. I don't even necessarily mind that some are reading my blog, it's more the 'secretive' nature of everything that bothers me. I don't deal well with 'secretive' or 'anonymous'. I am very open and yet take the privacy of our family seriously.
I have had a blog for the past 4 years and have loved every single moment of it. It's such an outlet for my heart....sharing much of who I am, who our family is, and our love for Jesus and all that He is doing in our lives. I am such a transparent person and love being able to share life with so many people.
However, as I've shared, we now have a precious new daughter. She was adopted out of the foster care system and it has become clear to us that it is in her best interest for us to take down our blog. Above my desire to blog, is my desire to protect her and to guard her. It has come to my attention that some are reading my blog and I don't know who they are. You can't find my blog in a search engine, so I don't know how people are getting my blog address, and that makes me really nervous, not knowing who is lurking. I don't even necessarily mind that some are reading my blog, it's more the 'secretive' nature of everything that bothers me. I don't deal well with 'secretive' or 'anonymous'. I am very open and yet take the privacy of our family seriously.
So, in the best interest of our precious, new daughter......I will no longer be blogging.....at least until I feel more 'safe'. My email is on here and anyone is always free to email me, or many are already connected with me on Facebook.
Thank you everyone for your love, your encouragement, your support, and your prayers the past several years. It has been such a joy to 'do life' with so many of you!!!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Women's Hormones - Educate Yourself! :)
Recently came across this article about women's hormone issues and was pleasantly surprised at how informative and helpful it was! Honestly, as I read this, I thought, "WOW - wish I would have known all this before our time in KC!" It pretty much describes me, and my experience, perfectly!! So wish I would have known all this and not been so caught off guard! Would have saved me a lot of heartache, I am sure. So, I wanted to put this out there for other women to read and be educated! :)
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