Orphan Heart

Tonight an interesting thing happened with Spunky and I saw the parallel to my own life and actually many of our lives...

Spunky has a LOT of clothes. She came to us with a lot of clothes, then she grew out of those, so we bought her some more. Then she was given some and just today was given many more - beautiful clothes, dresses - HER SIZE. So, I decided it was time to clean things out again and get rid of the things that are a size or two too small. I am a minimalist anyway and not interested in her having her closet and dresser stuffed with clothes when she can't wear them all and others could be blessed by them! Not sure why I kept them anyway, but now she just doesn't have room for all the clothes. So, I mentioned to her that since she had been so blessed with some beautiful new clothes, I thought it would be great if we gave away the clothes that were too small for her and she no longer wore, or the ones she just didn't really like (such as the plain white shirt with a tiny bow at the neck that she HATES because of that bow! lol).

Well, my suggestion of giving away ANY clothes was met with a huge resistance, which kinda of surprised me. I mean, I was like "Uh hellooooooooo....did you forget about all the NEW clothes that were just GIVEN to you??????" I didn't say that, but I was thinking that. lol You see, our boys love to give stuff to other people. They don't mind giving their clothes away. Never have been attached to material possessions. We're just a 'simple' family and although we are grateful for the things we have, we're not "attached" to them. So, this is new territory for me to have a 4 yr. old that likes to give things to people, but not HER things. :)

I just let it go and later when she was occupied, I went into her room and just began clearing things out that I know don't fit her and that she doesn't really like, and I put all the new clothes in there. See, the thing is -- she's not attached in that she will NEVER know they are even gone. Seriously. BUT, if she SEES me giving them away, it's a big deal. So, I just do it secretly and she will never know or care. So, I put everything away and put the box in my room and will put it in the trunk of the car before she even sees it. Plus, as her Mom, I KNOW that she will always have enough clothes. I know that we will always meet her needs and always make sure she is taken care of. But, she doesn't know that yet. She doesn't completely trust us yet. That's ok - it's just where we're at in building our relationship. It will take time.

However, I had two pair of underwear that were TWO SIZES TOO SMALL that I found in the back of a drawer, that I pulled out to get rid of. While I was doing that she walked in and I just mentioned that maybe we should get rid of those undies because they were two sizes too small, and we had bought her new undies that fit her anyway, so there was no need to keep them. Oh my goodness..........she grabbed the old undies and HUGGED them and was like "NO! These are my SPECIAL underwear. I love them so much!" I tried to reason with her, "Uh, honey - you never wear these. You have many other pairs that fit you." She says, "Yah, but I LOOOOOOVE these." Now, mind you - they were plain, white, cotton ones. No fancy Dora, or Hello Kitty, or whatever else she prefers! I was like "Are you kidding me" - again, on the inside, but I didn't say it. She then proceeded to SQUEEZE into the old ones to prove they still fit and she could wear them and wanted to keep them.

I was like "whatever" and she just got ready for bed. But, inside I'm rolling my eyes like "Really? You're kidding right? How absurd to squeeze into an old, 'boring' pair, when you have so many new, fun ones that you truly love and picked out yourself!"

But, on one hand I totally understand her 'need' to have things as 'her own'. She hasn't had much she can 'hold on to' and if it's just an old pair of undies, then so be it. It's totally not worth an arguement, but to my adult self it makes no sense. I wanted to plead with her and help her to see we WILL take care of her. She can trust us and rest in our love. But, to a child, who's been through trauma,and has been an 'orphan' in many senses of the word, it makes perfect sense. To a child with an 'orphan heart' it makes perfect sense. She is not sure what she will have, or when she will have it, so she want as much control over things as she can have. Why? Because of fear. Her actions are rooted in fear, not love.

And, as I put her to bed tonight, the Lord just whispered to me "What she did isn't really all that uncommon. Some times you're like that, and much of my children are like that. They live out of an orphan heart, instead of out of the security of knowing I am their Father."

And, as I pondered that, I realized He was right! (Duh - He IS God afterall! lol).

I mean, for Spunky it was a pair of old underwear, which seemed absurd to me when she'd just been given all these beautiful clothes. But, how many things do WE get given to us by God and yet we hold onto things so dearly. We don't freely give, because we aren't sure if He can really be trusted. Will He give us things when we need it? Can we trust Him to provide for us? Or do we have to hold things close to our heart. To we have to hold onto old things that don't fit us, or we don't need.......just because we're scared. Because we just don't know if he'll come through when we might need Him to.

I've thought a lot today about these verses:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Matthew 10:29-31 ESV

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:25-34 ESV

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!
Luke 12:24 ESV

It's challenging to think about this interaction with Spunky and then to read these verses. How much do I hold onto things in this life and not share or give simply because I'm scared? If God can take care of a raven or a sparrow....can he possibly take care of me? How much do I act like Spunky? How much do I operate out of an orphan heart, rather than one that has been made a daughter of the King of Kings? My Father owns the entire WORLD.....can He not take care of me? I imagine that He often feels the way I did with Spunky. I had a bigger picture of the situation than she did - well, how much more does my Father God have a much bigger picture than I do? I imagine He's often like "are you kidding me? I've given you so much and you're not willing to part with this?"

I believe that there is coming a day where we will return to Acts 4 where "All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had". That is my heart - to share all that I have. Sometimes I get selfish, or I get scared like Spunky, but...in Acts, they were in ONE MIND, ONE HEART, and they SHARED ALL THINGS. And guess what? The Lord added daily those who were being saved. What an incredible testimony to the world when we don't have to hoard things. When we aren't so consumed with our own self-preservation that we have to keep things selfishly or out of a heart of fear. I want to live 'simply' so that I don't hold on so tightly to this world. I am not living for this world. I am living for another age. I am living for eternity. This life is but a FLEETING moment. It's simply my 'internship' for what is to come. Some day we will stand before Jesus. I really doubt He will say "Debi, you just trusted me too much!" lol How ridiculous is that? I want to learn to abandon myself to His love and faithfulness in every area of my life!

So, as I experienced a 4 yr. old foster child, who is being adopted both physically and in heart, walk in fear, rather than love tonight.......my own heart was deeply challenged. I want to walk as a daughter of the King, knowing who I am and who's I am...not as an orphaned child who has to try to control things and take care of myself. He can be trusted with EVERY area of my life. May I truly learn to rest in the delight of being His daughter.