A hug from the Lord

Well, yesterday was by far the worst day with Spunky thus far. It totally blindsighted me and it was simply A.W.F.U.L!!!!!!! She is really going through a stretch of grieving her bio parents. Lots of tears and then a full blown temper tantrum and she was pretty much completely out of control for at least an hour to an hour and a half. It totally fried me, quite honestly. I had to sit and listen to her SCREAMING at me as if I was the absolutely most terrible person in the world. You don't even want to know all the names I was called! The hard part about yesterday was that there wasn't much of a reprieve - it literally pretty much continued clear through putting her to bed, when she was kicking and screaming at Steve yelling "I don't like you! I don't want to live here!" etc. etc.

I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say it was by far the worst day in the 4 months she's been with us. I had emailed her therapist several times throughout the day because I was so shocked at what was happening and couldn't put my finger on anything that had caused this Plus, I was simply trying to keep my composure and not let her know she was getting to me! :) We have been fine for a couple weeks and just yesterday morning, I'd told the therapist that we were doing great and I was so encouraged. Within a 1/2 hour of therapy......she was in tears. And, the therapy had gone great - nothing was even said about bio parents or anything. It was pretty non-eventful actually. So I was shocked when she was bawling in the car on the way home.

Anyway........it was ROUGH! It was all I could do to be patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled. And, honestly by last night, I was in tears. So frustrated, so fried, and so just at a loss as to what had happened and WHY things went the way they did.

BUT........God gave me a couple great friends........friends in the mess with us and friends who are further down the line than us in fostering and adoption........they were a huge encouragement to my heart.

Then, the therapist emailed me again and just encouraged me so much. She said not to 'overanalyze' things, but to just see it as she feels safe enough to let down her guard and finally begin to process her emotions. Actually the therapist saw it as a very positive, healthy day on the road to her healing. I needed to hear her perspective, that's for sure!!!!!! :) She also was greatly encouraged that even when Spunky was screaming at us, she was calling us Mom and Dad and was calling her bio parents by their first names. She said that actually that is very healthy and shows that she is processing her grief, but that she is secure in our relationship and is truly showing a healthy attachment to us.

So, last night, I went to bed crying - crying for a little girl so full of fear and sadness. A little girl crying in grief and trying to make sense of the loss she's experienced of her parents and her siblings. I think so much has happened that this is the first time in a year, really, that she's begun to slow down enough to process all that has transpired. My heart ached for her.

But, I was also crying out of my own selfishness and how HARD this is. Some days are amazing, but the reality is, parenting wounded children is simply difficult. No one really has any idea what we go through on a daily basis. No one has any idea what our boys go through. It is truly one of the most challenging things we've ever done. I was simply feeling fried and feeling like a huge failure, all wrapped up into one.

Just being honest....I wondered if I was 'up to this'. Maybe I wasn't experienced enough. Maybe I wasn't patient enough, kind enough, long-suffering enough. Maybe I wasn't wise enough. Etc. etc. All this self-doubt set in and I questioned everything.

And, yet I KNOW we are the parents God has chosen for Spunky and we truly love her so much. The boys adore her and aren't really phased by her tantrums. We can't even begin to imagine our lives without her again. But, I'm just being honest - lest anyone think fostering or adopting is a cakewalk or we are just amazing, incredible, super-human people.......even with our experience.

So, it was just rough and I did a lot of praying. Funny thing is I realize, yet again, how many of my prayers God is answering. I've prayed, asking Him to "enlarge the capacity of my heart to know Him and His love" on an even deeper level. I've prayed, longing to be His friend and said I would be willing to go into whatever mess He asked me to. That I wanted to be his friend and feel the pain of injustice. Said I wanted the 'hard/difficult' kids that others had given up on. Etc. lol Be careful what you pray for!!!!!!! And, I just realized that even through the pain and frustration, this is actually the desire of my heart. I am so utterly aware of my own 'poverty' in the sense of I have NOTHING in and of myself.....and so incredibly aware of my NEED and DESPERATION of Jesus. Without Him and His faithfulness to my heart, His faithfulness to give us all that we need......we are nothing. I'm just not that great.......I am human, so in desperate need of being fueled by His love and captured by His gaze.

So, as much as it hurt, it brought me back to just gazing upon the One who loves and pursues my own little weak heart! And, he just ministered to me so much that He loves me, right where I am. That my weak love IS real love and it counts. It matters to Him.

And, today was a special hug from Him. It's been a good day with Spunky and we've rebounded quite well, but what was special was this.....

A friend had brought over some Christmas gifts for us, and in one of the gifts, she included a "Lifesaver Storybook".

And, when I saw it, my eyes filled with tears. Why? Because it held special significance to me. You see, when I was a little girl, I remember my grandparents having these. I can tell you the exact place my Grandpa kept them. He always had his candy stash and this was always something I looked forward to seeing in their house on Christmas! lol The Butter Rum were especially my favorite. Well, it's just one of those precious childhood memories that's hard to explain, but it's a special memory I have of my grandparents. And, just the other day I was thinking about this and just kinda remembering Christmas as a girl and I thought about those. I realized it's been probably 25 years since I've seen them, and the thought crossed my mind that I wondered if they even still made them. But, then I didn't give it another thought.

Till today...

When, in the package was the Lifesaver storybook. I know my friend hadn't thought much about it as it was included with other, seemingly more-important things. But, tears formed in my eyes because it was a hug from the Lord, just reminding me that He sees EVERYTHING. He knows every minute detail of my life....my past, my present, and my future. Nothing escapes His eyes. And, he cares. So deeply cares about even a sweet memory from my childhood. It meant so much to me to just have Him show me that He loves me so much to have my friend include something like this. His eyes are upon me...He knows and He cares so deeply. It ALL matters to Him.

So tonight as I go to bed, I am reminded that He cares about every single detail of my life. He is a GOOD Father.......and I am so grateful for His love and care for me!!!