Sharing

God is doing so many things in my heart on such a deep level right now. Thought I'd take a moment to share -- (for anyone that doesn't really know me, that's a warning that this will probably a long post! LOL) And, I'm just one of those people that 'wears my heart on my sleeve' so to speak, so here's what's been going on in my heart...so, if you're not into deep or personal stuff, then here's your warning! :)

This has been an emotional week for me, personally. For the past year or so, I have not felt really well. Progressively things have gotten worse. However, when we were in Ankeny, I was very busy and off and on I wouldn't feel great, but could just put it off and keep focusing on other things and other people and not really have to deal with it. But, then we moved...

For the past 3 months since we moved, things have progressively gotten worse. At first I just attributed it to the move. It has been so difficult to leave Iowa and transition to here in KC. I have grieved the 'loss' of all my friends/family/church/gym and everything I knew as 'normal'. However, last week I realized that it was worse than just the move. I have truly felt awful. I have been trying to get several different jobs just to 'keep me busy' as it's been so hard to not be training or just 'busy'. But, I look back now and see how faithful God is to bring me to the end of myself. None of the jobs came through, which is bizarre. And it was like a 'lightbulb' moment for me last week -- God was giving me this time to take care of myself and get things 'in order'.

It seems wierd, because I have lost 70lbs. over the last 4 years and had overall felt the healthiest I'd ever felt in my life, and then all of a sudden, the last year things have progressively gotten worse. I'd often go to train with my trainer at the gym and tell him I was 'tired' and didn't have 'energy'. But, again -- I just kept blowing it off and knew something wasn't quite right, but didn't really want to deal with it. I wasn't having my cycles, so I knew something was 'off' with my hormones, but then with the move -- life just kept being busy and there was so much else to focus on than myself.

BUT...last week it came to a head and I realized God was wanting me to really deal with myself not just physically on the outside, but internally. So, I made an appt. for a doctor.

The other day I went and had A LOT of bloodwork done and ultrasounds, all in attempt to figure this out.

Yesterday I get a call with the ultrasound results and they said the 'results look typical of polycystic ovarian syndrome' or PCOS. However, they'll need to get the blood work results back and then compare the two. At first I was like 'ok, whatever' -- I've heard of people with that, but no big deal. But, then as time went on and I began doing research on the internet about it, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed. Fear set in and I was overwhelmed and frustrated. I mean, here I had just spent the last 4 years working to be as healthy as possible and now I have this? And, yet there was a part of me that was relieved -- I mean, I've truly felt like crap, but just thought it was all in my head or that I was a wimp. But, all of a sudden, it was almost as if the results were a 'validation' that I truly do know my body and know that something's not 'right'. It answered a lot of questions and as I look back, I can see so many other symptoms that I've had for years and never really took note of.

For those that don't know what it is, basically it means this: It's a hormonal/endocrine/metabolic disorder which causes insulin resistance (my body can't metabolize insulin well) and I have lots of cysts in my ovaries. There is no 'cure', and if indeed this is what I have, I'll have it forever. However, it can be 'treated' and you can live with it. But, all of a sudden I'm at a greater risk for diabetes, heart disease, uterine cancer......those are hard things to swallow.

It could be so much worse, and I'm thankful that this is treatable. But, I'm still coming to terms with it in my own ways. I'll share that with you as the days go on. I'm asking God to not 'waste' one speck of this -- I want to see Him in all this. I want him to take my weak little heart and press me deeper into His love.