Nameless and Faceless

I've been chewing on something for several weeks now, but just this morning once again God really began to minister to me about this, so I thought I'd share it with you all......once again, here's my heart is "raw" form! :)

We had a friend come over recently and he blessed us with a new IHOP cd, "live" from the prayer room. We were excited to listen to it, as their worship is so different than any 'normal' worship. They do a 'harp & bowl' method, with worship and intercession combined and praying and singing combined. You can go to www.ihop.org for more information, but we've loved it for a few years now and God always ministers something new to us through different songs. This was no different.

I've struggled for awhile to figure out my 'purpose' here in KC. We moved here because Steve got transferred with his job. But, in our hearts we knew it was bigger and that it was a 'God move', so we obeyed and came. But, being here now for 4 months has caused moments of great discouragement and frustration with a "Why? God what is on your heart for our family for this season of our lives?" For Steve not a ton has changed -- yes different location, more responsibility; however, he still works for the same company, still works with the same guys as he did in Iowa for the most part....but what about me? God, what is your purpose for ME? Everything I loved and was a part of, I left in Iowa. It has been a confusing and difficult time to "rest" and trust that He knows what He's doing. At times I've been encouraged in the 'resting', but at times I've grown frustrated.

The frustration part came about this week again and reared it's ugly head....it started when we attented a new church for a few times. We'd pretty much settled on Forerunner Christian Fellowship as where we were going to go; however, the size of it was difficult and the ability to form relationships seemed so hard. Most that go to FCF are staff members at IHOP, so most of them know each other and have their own little 'community' and we just felt like 'outsiders', and it seemed so hard to 'fit in', so we wondered if God had a different place for us. They have incredibly gifted men and women of God there -- why would they need us? No one said that or were rude to us, but it was just our own 'insecurities' and not knowing how to 'fit in' there, and just trying to figure God out. So, once again we tried several other churches only to walk away disappointed and solidifying the fact that we love FCF and that is where we're meant to be and will just have to work harder at forming relationships, I guess, since we don't live there. And, that's a place that will continue to challenge us and spur us on in our relationships with God. We haven't found anywhere else in the city like that and we just know that's where we're supposed to be right now. Anyway, we'd gone to a few churches and people were really nice but they treat you like, well -- like a VISITOR. (LOL) And, we went to this marriage class and afterwards there was small group discussion and they began to ask us about our marriage and about how this information 'hit us', almost talking as if they were trying to figure out if we were even saved, etc.

And, inside I'm 'screaming', "Uh, hello -- if you only KNEW who we are! Uh, we were the Christ-life DIRECTORS at our old church. Uh, we've led the entire children's ministry. Uh, Steve was on the church board, the worship team. We did counseling with people. People called US to ask questions. Uh, do you realize I spoke at a women's conference, that I was asked to come speak at a Pastor's Conference in Cuba.............etc. etc." And, I'm listing off this whole list of our 'achievements' in my head and becoming more and more frustrated in the process. I was so tired of week after week being seen as a 'visitor' and getting those 'questioning' looks and all that stuff of being 'new'. No one did anything wrong, all the issues were with me, but it was getting very difficult to not be frustrated.

When we left I told Steve that this is the part I hate the most -- when no one knows us, doesn't know our backgrounds, doesn't know anything about us and we have to 'prove' ourselves and begin to build a 'new history'. That is so hard!

Then, the next day I go to the gym and I'm on the stair mill working out and dying! I hate that machine anyway (LOL), but when you haven't done it in 4 months, it's really very difficult! And, I was sweating and huffing and puffing and this lady gets on the treadmill next to me, introduces herself, and begins to try to encourage me, as if I'd never stepped foot in a gym before. Begins to tell me all about how hard it was for her to lose weight and get started working out, and how it'll get easier for me if I just give it time, blah, blah blah -- and guess what I was doing in side? "Uh hello -- do you know I've just lost 70lbs. in the last few years? Do you know I worked with a really great trainer? Do you know I have my personal training certification and have trained many of my own clients? Do you have any idea who I am?" I felt humiliated and frustrated and wanting to just announce who I was. I didn't need her sympathy or her pity -- I knew what to do and that's why I was on that dumb piece of equipment that I hate anyway! :)

And, for a few days I'm just stewing about this -- whining to my husband, praying and crying out to God with a longing to just be 'known'! Asking God what in the world He has for ME in Kansas City. People in Iowa KNEW us. We had a HISTORY there. People at the gym knew my story -- they knew where I'd come from, how hard I'd worked, and all that had transpired in my life. People at church knew all the healing God had done in our hearts, knew our 'journey' in our relationship with God. They loved us, trusted us, and respected us. Our kids were loved and respected. They knew we weren't perfect, and didn't expect us to be, but we really felt loved there and like they valued all the things God had done in our lives and wanted to 'drink' from that.

And now we're in Kansas City and whether it's church or gym or wherever, we're a 'nobody'. I know people don't necessarily mean that, but that's just the reality of transition. Everyone else already has their own 'groups' and friendships and it's so weird to be the 'outsider'. It's such a wierd place of being 'nothing'.

Well, the other day, I put on the cd from IHOP that our friend had given us and the first song came on and I just began sobbing. I'll post the words later when I have a moment, but they're taken from Philippians 2: 5-11, where it talks about Jesus, being the very nature of God, made himself nothing. He humbled himself and became obedient, even to the point of death. And, in this song, there's a line that says, "You laid aside your glory and became obedient and took on flesh and became a bondservant." (that's greatly paraphrased, so I'll get you the words soon! LOL)

But, when I heard those words, I just realized what I was feeling and what God was doing. The very cry of my heart over the last few years has been, "God, I don't want to get comfortable here. I know there's more you want to do in us. God take us deeper into love. Deeper into your heart. I want to know you on so much more of an intimate level than I've ever experienced." And, he's done that in so many ways.

But, when I heard that line it was as if God was giving me an invition to join Him in experiencing love in a deeper way. That deeper love that had been the cry and desire of my heart. But, that love means 'joining in His suffering'. Jesus laid aside His glory, His reputation -- if I am going to grow in love, I have to do the same. Anyone that knows us, I don't think would consider us 'proud' or 'arrogant' or anything like that, and yet as I listened to that song, the Lord just showed me the pride in my heart and how I had placed too much pride in my identity again. I had pride about 'who' I had become and all that God was doing in and through us. Not intentionally -- actually, I don't like being put on the spot or like to draw all sorts of attention to myself at all, but it was more about my heart. Why did the person at the churches rub me wrong? Why did the lady at the gym bother me? Because they were wrong? Uh, no -- but because I was trying to 'prove' who I was -- total pride.

But, now God was offering me an invitation to love. An invitation to experience a new level of love where I lay aside my 'glory', my 'reputation', and join Him in learning how to be 'nothing' and become obedient, even unto death. To become a bondservant of love. Expecting no recognition. But, living a life of love, of servanthood -- being a laid-down lover. Being nameless, faceless.

Can you imagine Jesus -- the very son of God and yet he laid aside His glory, His crown, His divinity - and came to earth. He gave up His reputation. How amazing is that? I've read those passages, I've heard about it -- but now I'm experiencing it. No, I'm not Jesus and His glory is tons more than mine, but I'm experiencing a measure of what it must have been like for Him. And, God is asking no less of me.

I was humbled and repented of my pride! And, as I listened to that song and read the scriptures, the faint, weak "yes" in my heart became stronger. This isn't a 'step backwards' in not doing, but this is a step 'forward' into the vastness of God's heart! I so long to go deeper and part of that is experiencing all of this. It hurts, it's not fun -- it's hard to not be known or accepted or 'part' of something anymore. It's weird to be in this place of all these things in my heart, but not having any place to do anything with them. Growing up in a small town, people knew me and our family. Then being in the same church for 10 years. This is the very first time in my lifespan of 34 years, that I've had to experience not being 'known' at this level and it's so hard to adjust to.

But, my heart was so strengthened by the fact that I'm experiencing just a bit of what Jesus did! He is giving me the privilege of 'sharing in His suffering' and walking deeper into His heart. So, I cry -- YES, Jesus -- let it be so. I will decrease, so that you may increase!!!!! As our Pastor used to say, "God, I WANNA WANNA, so help me to obey."! :)