Long update...

I can't believe how fast a week goes by and I realize I haven't blogged! ooops!

Life has been busy.....trying desperately to work on our house. I was really hoping we'd have it done for Thanksgiving this week, but alas -- doesn't look like that is going to happen. Our garage is done, though -- at least that looks nice! LOL Steve is so proud of it and how good it looks. He did do a great job of painting Kilz on the walls and it looks so nice and bright in there, rather than the 'unfinished garage' look, that it had.

I had finally picked out some curtains that I liked last weekend, only to find out when I went back to the store that they're out of stock and discontinued. WHAT? No way! Ugh. However, supposedly in Olathe they have more, so the plan is to run out today and try to find some at a few stores to see if I can get enough. We shall see....but I don't want to pick out paint until I pick out curtains. I'd rather match the paint to curtains I love, rather than trying to find curtains to match the paint. But, at this point, we'll probably go with a more neutral color in the main rooms: kitchen, eat-in kitchen, family room. I'm thinking a soft ivory-type, a 'creamy' color, because the curtains are quite colorful. :) We'll see what today brings and I'll go from there. It's been so hard to make decisions. Honestly, I've never had to 'redecorate' a house before and it's so hard for me to decide.

Steve and I finally came to the conclusion, though, that we just may not have it done for Thanksgiving and really, "who cares?" It just is what it is. I don't want to rush into a decision just to try to make it 'perfect' for Steve's family -- they're not really going to care anyway. ;) They're here to see us, not the house, right? :) I do hope to have it look nice, though. We finally got the dining room all set up (it had been our office) and re-arranged the front living room, so we're finally getting all the furniture back in the places we want them. Took a lot to the basement and Steve moved his office down there, so it really opens up the main floor a lot more. We both love how much more 'open' it feels. Less is definitely more! :)

There's still 'stuff' all over, though, so today I really need to get more things put away and try to organize more. I have lots of lists and things I need to work through. And, lots of cleaning up, still to do. Fun, fun.

Hmmmmm.......let's see, what else has been going on in our lives?

Steve is working on a job here in KC, about 20 minutes from us. He's leading a job, building a bank. It's going really well and it's been so wonderful to have him back in town consistently -- we're loving having him home all the time again! I don't know how long it'll last, but we'll enjoy it for how ever long it does last! :)

Brennan is loving The Daniel Academy for school this year! It's been so good for him! The schedule and drive has been challenging for me, personally, but it's been really good for him! :) It's such a great environment and he's growing so much! One of the things I love about TDA is the other kids. I was asking him the other day who his 'best friends' are, because I hear him talk about different kids all the time. He looks at me like I'm crazy and says, "What do you mean?" And, I was like, "Well, who are your closest friends?" and he says, "Well, uh.......I guess maybe (so and so), but uh, Mom -- it's not like any other year. We don't really have 'best friends', but rather EVERYONE is just friends. We all just hang out together. One day might be more with one kid, or another day with another, but we don't have all the dumb cliques that we had in other schools." :) The other thing I love is that he's becoming good friends with girls, too. I seriously love this -- you know why? Because, it's so pure and innocent and he's developing healthy relationships with the opposite sex. But, the thing I love is that there is no dating allowed at TDA. That doesn't mean individual families can't allow their teen to date; but at TDA there's no dating allowed AT SCHOOL, meaning no public displays of affection, or a boy/girl spending alone time together at school or sitting by each other all the time, etc. The last few years, I've been SCHOCKED by the advances of girls towards Brennan. I can't tell you the amount of phone calls he got from girls asking him to go out with them, or another girl would call asking him to go out with a different girl. I hated that! I'm like, "C'mon -- he's in 6th grade!" And, I love it that he gets to be friends with both boys and girls in a healthy context. It's fun because we get to talk about this or that girl, though, and why he likes this or that about them. It's helping him to develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex, without having to worry about 'dating', and yet he's beginning to see qualities in girls that in the future will be important to him when he does become old enough to enter a relationship. :) Also, I love that he has young men, who are older than him, that he can look up to and respect. In fact, he has a guy who is just a year older than him whom he's been watching and loves his heart for the Lord, etc., so Brennan, all on his own, asked him to teach him guitar, because this kid helps lead worship at the school. So, now Brennan and this kid meet twice a week, during lunch/recess time and he's teaching Brennan guitar. Uh, hello -- this is a 15 yr. old kid! What 15 yr. old gives up their lunch/recess time, 2x week, to teach a younger kid how to play the guitar? And, it's $5/time! We offered to pay him much more, but he said no, that he felt the Lord wanted him to minister to Brennan, too, and he'd just like a little money to save up for a new guitar he's wanting! Brennan so looks forward to this time each week and it's so awesome for us to watch him truly have 'marvelous comrades' at school each day!!!!

Nate is also doing awesome this year. We've really had to work on spelling and handwriting, but hey -- we're working on it! He just hates those subjects and so we have to made a real effort to stay on top of it. But, it's pretty bad when he's a straight A student, but then has a C in spelling! LOL So, he's getting to do lots of spelling practice now, and a handwritten letter each week for 'practice'. It's kind of funny, though, because he'll complain, "Mom -- no one writes letters anymore! Can't I just e-mail someone?" LOL Hmmmm....my how time changes! So, we're getting back to the 'old fashioned' thing called, 'letter writing' and he's slowly improving. He really does great when he works on it! :) He's also loving being back in Debate this year. They have a debate against another school in a couple weeks and he is really stoked about it! He has an awesome teacher again this year. We are so impressed with this particular public school down here! Everyone we've met has been wonderful and the teachers and principal are so great! He loves it there and I'm sure he'll miss it next year when he's done with elementary school.

As for me........my life has recently revolved around a lot of time at the doctor's office. Well, the chiropractor's office, that is! I have struggled off and on with a hip injury the last several months, but especially the last 2 1/2 weeks have been excruciating! So, I finally found a sports injury chiropractor, really close to our house, and so I've been seeing him every 2-3 days. We're doing a lot of 'rehab' work and it's been so painful, but it is getting better, thankfully. I just really strained my hip muscles and so I'm having to let it heal. THUS....my workout time has been severely hampered! Ugh! I'm able to walk and do some upper body weights, but that's about it. It's been so hard and frustrating, but what can you do? Ya' just got to slow down and let the body heal itself. I'm trying to figure out different alternatives for workouts that put a lot less stress on my body, too. I'm just realizing my body can't take the 'hard pounding' I used to do. I was reading the other day about how low estrogen can cause joint issues and I'm sure that doesn't help my situation!

Oh, speaking of that -- I haven't updated on all that for awhile -- I went back to the doctor a couple weeks ago because I'd had my 3-month labs done and they weren't that great. So, I met with the doc and talked everything through. I knew I wasn't feeling that great again, so I wasn't all that suprised. But, basically, the PCOS is flaring up again. My estrogen is low again. And, my thyroid meds needed increased. Fun times. So, he tweaked some medication and re-iterated that I need to eat low carb, less than 100g per day........period. I've continued to struggle with my weight, even though I've been doing everything that I did back when I first lost 70lbs.! :( It's been frustrating. He told me that I need to realize a)I won't lose weight until I go low carb. Doesn't matter what I did before...my body is at a totally different state now, and needs balanced. And b)I need to see that PCOS is a life-issue, that it'll never go away. I need to eat low carb not just to lose these 15-20lbs., but to live healthy for life! Low carb is not short-term, it's my new reality.

UGH! To say I've had issues with that is an understatement! You'd think it'd be easy, but it's just not and I've thrown some real temper tantrums with God, that's for sure. I mean -- c'mon, I've already given up so much that I used to enjoy and changed my life so much and now I have to give up even more?! And, not just temporarily, but for life? Ugh! That's been hard to swallow.

So, I've had a couple weeks of frustration -- little-to-no exercise due to my hip, trying to do low carb and some days doing great and other days falling flat on my face. BUT....through it all I've come to some realizations, too.

One thing I realized is that I've still had major issues with my weight. Ugh -- I thought I was over that. But, I've hated having these 15-20lbs. on the past year! I've felt super ugly and fat and just hated how I've looked. The other day, I went and bought size 12 jeans and cried. Ugh. So, now I'm in a size 10 or 12. That is beyond frustrating when I was in a size 8-10, just a year ago. One size up and it totally rattled me! So, there I sat in the dressing room just bawling and then all of a sudden the Lord so 'jolted' me and was like, "What are you doing? You're bawling about the 15-20lbs. you're struggling with after having major medical issues and stress the past year. Why are you not focused on the 50lbs. you've kept off for the past 3 years?"

And, it just hit me -- wow. I've been so hard on myself. I remember back in 2000 when I was wearing a size 20 and hit my all-time high weight of 215. I remember how excited I was when I lost a bit of weight and got under 210, and then finally 200, before I started at the gym 5 years ago. And, I remember how ecstatic I was when I was losing weight and bought my first pair of size 12 jeans and how ecstatic I was when I was in the 160s, on the way down. And, here I am now and it's so now 'not good enough' and I'm this awful, terrible person because I have a bit of weight I'm carrying around my stomach now due to the increased insulin from the dumb pcos and all the hormonal instability? Here I am struggling to figure out a new way of living because my ovaries don't work right and low carb is the only way to go? C'mon -- what's my problem?

And, I realized something -- 3 years ago when I finally reached my goal weight -- I don't think I ever really celebrated that. I mean, I was excited and celebrated for a bit -- but somehow I was never able to 'find normal' after that. I mean, when you're so overweight for so long and then to finally be where you want to be...........where you'd dreamed of being for so long..........it's hard to find normal in all that. At least for me, it was. And, I found myself continuing to 'run' from the me I used to be, rather than embracing the me I now was. I'd always dreamed of being a size 8, but then when I hit the size 8, it wasn't good enough....I still felt fat. And, I've continued to see myself as the 'fat girl' even though I've lost so much weight. Again -- even though I'm a little bit up right now, I'm still 50lbs. below where I was. When is that going to be good enough? Being a personal trainer doesn't help the 'I need to have a certain body' struggle, either. It's hard. I want to explain all the pcos, thyroid, hormonal crap to everyone -- but it doesn't really matter, does it? Nope -- because it's not really about them, but it's about ME learning to accept myself.......once again, right where I'm at.

So........that's the 'long story' of the current struggle I'm in. The struggle to love me, just as I am, imperfections and all. I'm working on getting my hip healthy and figuring out how to enjoy low-carb eating. I'm working to make it an adventure and something fun to embrace, rather than something horrid that I have to do to not be fat. I want to be healthy internally and externally. Period. So, I'm experimenting with all sorts of new recipes. Some have turned out awesome, like the low-carb chocolate peanut butter pie. Whereas, some have made for disastrous laughing fits around here, like the cheesecake bites, which were horrid. I wish you could have seen the look on Steve's face last night when he popped one into his mouth and about spit it back out! LOL But, I just want to have fun figuring it out, rather than putting so much pressure on myself to be 'perfect' at it. I'm not and that's ok. :)

So..........that's where we're all at. The long story.........

Oh yeah, and Chester is awesome -- in fact, he's snoring, loudly -- such a tough life that dog has! LOL