"No Agenda"

Well, after a week of having my sweet hubby home, he had to leave again this morning. Once again, bound for Iowa. Looks like he'll be up there 3-4 weeks, M-F, but thankfully home on the weekends.

Last night when we went to bed, we both just lay there silently as tears streamed down our faces and we just held each other.......it's always so hard to say good-bye. I keep thinking maybe it'll get easier, but this is now our 8th week, out of the past 13, that Steve has had to work out of town and it still breaks our hearts every time. The separation is so hard. We love each other. We enjoy being together. We love being a family. The boys love having Dad home. It's so hard to 'let him go' once again.

But.........this is all we know to do at the moment......sigh.......there don't seem to be many other options. Steve's been looking at other companies to work for. I cannot even begin to tell you how many resumes/job applications Steve's sent out. There's been several times he was to have an interview and then either a)they never returned his call to confirm or give an address or b)he'd show up and they wouldn't be there. It has been beyond frustrating. I heard a song this morning on the radio that gave an accurate description to how we've felt: "battered and bruised; dazed and confused"..........yep, that's pretty much been how we've felt. Nothing, absolutely nothing makes any sense. Trust me.....we're trying to make sense of it.......and nothing does.

So, the only other option is to help back in Iowa, where the company wants him 'short-term', while we wait for the contracts to begin here in KC. I mean, after all ... there are bills to pay. And, at least he keeps his same benefits, for now.

So, with heavy hearts, we said good-bye this morning and eagerly await his return on Saturday.

This morning I went to the gym and worked out and had my mP3 player on and was listening to some upbeat Christian songs and this one song came on, where Misty Edwards, worship leader at IHOP, is over and over again singing to the Lord, "I have no agenda, I have no other aim; I have no agenda, than to know your name."

And, as she sang that it just hit me again -- hmmmmmmm.....does that accurately describe me right now? As I looked at the reality of my heart, I had to say, 'no'. I have an agenda.....my husband should be home every single night and should be treated this way or that...blah, blah, blah. I have an agenda of what I THINK Kansas City should look like, of what I THINK my husband's job/position should look like, of what I think 'fair' is, etc. But, as I pondered all this I was struck again with the question......

"Do I REALLY believe His leadership is perfect over our lives?" as it says in Song of Solomon, when describing Jesus' head, that is as "pure gold" or his headship is "perfect". Do I really trust His leadership?

Sure......when everything goes how I think it should! lol But, what about when NOTHING makes sense? Do I trust His leadership then? Do I trust Him to show us the way in which we should walk? Do I trust His provision and His faithfulness? It's so easy to say "yes" to all those things when all is 'well', but what about when it's not? Can I lay down MY agenda then and have no other aim, but to know His name? To know His character and who He is? Hmmmm.....

This is the pondering of my heart this morning.... :)