One year...

Well, one year has now 'officially' passed since we moved from Ankeny to Lenexa. In some ways it seems like so long ago and in other ways, it seems just like yesterday.

When we moved, I was full of hope and excitement of what this next year would bring, although sad to be leaving family and friends. I had no idea what this next year would bring. In some ways, I love that God doesn't just tell us everything ahead of time because then we'd probably never step out of our comfort zones! :)

As I look back over the past year, my heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness to God for his faithfulness to sustain my heart. I remember a few days after we moved when all the 'busyness' was slowing down and the reality of moving was beginning to set in -- I remember getting alone with God, crying, and simply asking Him to sustain my heart in this journey. I had never done this before -- completely picked up and moved; leaving behind everything I loved except my husband and children. It was scarey and overwhelming. I felt so 'out of my element' and my heart ached for what I knew. The only thing my weak little heart could pray was, "God, please sustain my heart." I was too raw with emotion and overwhelmed by the myriad of thoughts and feelings that I didn't even know how to process it all emotionally, and it was overwhelming to my heart, so I simply wanted him to get me through it. I know His heart, I know His character and that His leadership over our lives is truly perfect. And, since he was leading us to a new area/life, then I simply needed him to sustain me in the journey of following His leadership.

And, as I review the past year in my mind, that is exactly what He has done. So much has gone on here this past year -- even more than I've shared on this blog. Things haven't exactly 'gone as planned', that's for sure. Many promises made that didn't materialize with Steve's company. We feel we were a bit 'led on', which has been hard to swallow on different occasions. It's been hard to see all Steve has gone through with his job this past year. He's such a loyal employee and such a hard worker and faithful to the end. Some times this has benefitted him and some times it has not. But, I am in awe of how much God has sustained his heart, as well. The other day Steve came home from work and was so excited to gather us all around and share a testimony from the day about what God had done at work. To see his heart still 'alive' after such a long year....it caused my heart to overflow with thankfulness to God! I admire and respect my husband more and more each day!

And, as I look back to all our boys have gone through -- changing schools, new friends, new neighborhood, etc. I sometimes wonder how much of this move was 'for them'. Maybe it's so much bigger than Steve and I, but rather God positioning the boys for where He wants to train and nurture and mold them? I am so proud of the young men they are becoming. Perfect? Uh, no -- but are any of us? :) But, at 11 and 13, they daily amaze me with their love, compassion, and willingness to yield their hearts to us as their parents, but ultimately to God and His desire for them. With one teenager and another about to enter those years, I am grateful to be in a place where teens are challenged to grow in their relationship with the Lord and yet given the freedom to freely make mistakes and be human. Their building relationships with other young men/women who are also growing in their relationships with God and for that, I am so grateful as parent that they are surrounded by others desiring to live a life worthy of Jesus.

And, then there's me..........this move has probably been the hardest on me, out of all of us. I look back now and sometimes wonder how I made it through. My heart ached so badly so many times, that I truly felt despondent at times. Depression kicked in. I spent many days lying on my bed, sobbing, and wondering what in the world God was doing. Not only had I left all my family, our friends, my gym, our church -- everything we knew and loved -- but, then we moved here and my own life seemed to fall apart. My body shut down and for the next 9 months I would go through one of the worst physical experiences of my life. I have never, ever felt so out of control and overwhelmed by the 'not knowing'. To go from being active and being a personal trainer in Iowa -- to literally spending days in my bed with no energy and feeling so sick -- and yet having no direction and not knowing where to turn for answers. It was the most helpless feeling I've ever known.

And, yet I sit here this morning, in awe of the love and faithfulness of God who has seen fit to bring us through our first year. So many times I begged him (and Steve) to let us go back to Iowa. I just wanted to go back to when life seemed 'normal'; to when I felt good and like 'me'. I wanted to hit 'rewind' and just pretend this KC move was a 'bad dream'. But, I couldn't -- somehow I had to figure out how to survive here and my only hope was God bringing my heart through this. I have experienced a 'weakness' the past year that has been hard. I thought I knew how to be weak, vulnerable, and not have to have it 'all together'. But, I realized that this past year, I was pushed to a place of weakness that I a)didn't realize I could go to and survive and b)didn't realize I needed. I didn't realize how much pride I still had, thinking I could be 'strong' in my own strength. God has used this last year to reveal the 'yuck' in my own heart, over and over again.

I thought I knew weakness, I thought I knew the love of God. And, I did -- to a certain extent. But, when almost everything is 'stripped away', including your health, you come to this place of embracing the weakness and embracing the 'not knowing' and you simply have God, and His love for you. There's no other 'identity' but Him. Nothing else you can trust in, but Him. Although it's truly been one of the most difficult seasons of my life -- I wouldn't trade it for the world, because I'm experiencing a depth of God's heart that I didn't know before.

About 2 months ago, when Steve was in Iowa, and I was once again begging God to let us move back to Iowa -- and discussing it with Steve if that was what we were to do -- I remember Steve saying, "no, I feel this is where God has us for now, regardless of what we see in the natural." He was sweet and calm, but absolutely resolute on what he believed was God's leadership for our family. I spent the next 3 hours, alone with God, sobbing my eyes out. I went over every single memory from the past year and relived it in my mind/heart. Every ache, every pain, every moment that I felt my heart could not go on. So much had happened internally and externally that I somehow just 'dealt with it' and two months ago every single emotion was felt and I just walked it all through with God.

And in those 3 hours, he 'held' me and ministered to my heart in ways only He could. I didn't have all the answers to 'why' and 'what He's doing', but my heart was finally at rest and comforted by my Faithful father who holds my heart in His hands. He was ministering to me, loving me in my weakness, and strengthening my heart once again. As I reviewed the past year, not only did I see my pain, but I saw each moment that God had met me -- provided someone or some thing to meet me in that moment and minister to my heart. I was overwhelmed by His love and faithfulness to sustain my heart -- my weak little prayer from the beginning -- He had been faithful to answer.

So...........here we sit, one year later. Steve's job is still crazy and quite honestly we don't know what's going to happen week to week. But, we are hopeful and feel 'on the verge' of something. For now, he has work and a paycheck -- in today's economy -- we're grateful for those two things! :) The boys are doing great. Nate's about to enter the 6th grade at the public school in our neighborhood. And, Brennan's about to enter The Daniel Academy. We're excited about what doors may open through that. :)

And, here I am -- finally back in the gym after a very long break. I'm finally back to 'normal' with regard to the PCOS, thyroid, and hormonal issues. The medication is working and for the first time in a very long time, I'm beginning to feel like 'me' again. I've had good, hard workouts for the past 3 weeks and it's hard to explain how great I feel vs. where I was just a few months ago! I'm still working to get back in shape and lose about 15-20lbs. -- but I know it'll come, as I stay consistent and patient! :) I always lose weight slowly due to what I now understand to be the PCOS, so I'm trying to just take it a day at a time. But, just to be able to workout and actually sweat, and feel great -- that means the world to me right now! I will never take sweating for granted again! :) The YMCA has also asked me to go back to personal training any time. They've given me 'free reign' to begin training any clients I want, around whatever schedule I want. It's scarey and yet I'm excited. I finally feel like I'm getting 'my life' back! :)

Things seem more 'normal' here and it's become 'home'. Do I still miss Iowa? Yes. Mostly, I miss my friends and family. I miss the depth of relationships we had there -- and continue to have. But, my heart is finally 'at rest'. I'm finally ok with this being home and excited about what God is going to do here.

As we begin to enter our 2nd year here, my heart is grateful for God's sustaining love over the past year -- I'm grateful for friends and family who have listened by way of phone, in person, and through this blog. I'm grateful for the grace to just walk all this through. I'm grateful that we haven't truly been 'alone'.

I'm excited about what the next year holds. I'm excited about hopefully having the majority of the 'hard stuff' out of the way and getting on to really living life here and experiencing whatever God has for us. I trust His faithful leadership more than I ever have. I trust that His leadership is perfect. He knows the plans He has for us...........and they are good. :)