We're back home in KC now, after having been back in Iowa for our third time in a week. (I-35 is becoming very familiar and we're quickly finding the best places to stop at for breaks along the way! :))
This morning my heart feels so raw and the tears are freely flowing -- forget the make-up & the glasses are on. :) It was so hard to leave Iowa last night and to say good-bye to my family and especially my parents. Over the past 3 weeks, but especially the past week, my honor and respect for them has grown immensely. I have always respected my parents and knew they were great; however, as I have watched them so lovingly put their lives on hold to love and minister to my Grandma during her last days on this earth, I have been overwhelmed by their kindness, gentleness, and love displayed towards her and I truly have an ever-deepening respect and appreciation for them. And, watching them ache and hurt as their Beloved Mom and Mother-in-Law leave this earth........that has been the most difficult thing. My parents know Grandma is with Jesus and in our hearts we are all rejoicing in that truth.
However, the reality is that even though Grandma is now with Jesus and has been reunited with her husband and young son, who both died before her.........that also means she is no longer with us. And, that is hard to accept or begin to even fathom. It doesn't even hardly seem real to think she'll no longer be at family gatherings. I've seen my parents cry and be sad before, but this is an ache that I cannot fix. This is a deep sadness and loss that only time, and the love of Jesus can heal. That is hard to have to just watch and allow them to go through the grieving process. It hurts to see them hurting.
The visitation and funeral were wonderful. My parents did a great job of putting everything together and so wonderfully honored the woman my Grandma was. Grandma looks absolutely beautiful. I was overwhelmed by what a great job they did and how amazingly beautiful she looked! It was such a stark contrast to how she looked in the hospital and it made me cry to see how beautiful and peaceful she looked!
One thing that surprised and blessed us all was especially at the visitation, how many flowers there were and how many people came -- to see a 98 year old woman! We actually went an hour over the allotted time! People just kept coming and we were surprised. I mean, of course, most of her peers had long since passed, but the people who came -- these were 'middle aged' people, but also many young people. Grandma was not only my Grandma, but she had become "Grandma Martha" to so many. She'd started babysitting when I was just 1 yr. and we moved back to Iowa. She took me in out of necessity to help out when my Mom went to work, and then she and Grandpa started watching many other kids over the years -- at age 65, when they should have been retiring! LOL Kids LOVED them and it was so interesting to see all these people come to the viewing who had been babysat by my grandparents. The youngest being sophomores in college! They came back from college to honor my Grandma's life! It was amazing. People loved her because she loved them. She so freely loved and gave to all. I was honored to be her granddaughter!
The weather was horrible.........rainy, cold, windy......very nasty. And, we all kinda laughed because Grandma HATED that type of weather. No, she wanted the sunshine! But, as the day went on and our hearts broke as we said good-bye, I couldn't help but thinking that maybe the Holy Spirit was simply using the rain to simply show us God's tears. Yes, He has Grandma with him now, but He also knows our humanness and our hearts and how they ache and I began to wonder if God was letting us know that He felt our pain and wanted us to know it was OK to cry and miss her. He understood our pain. The Holy Spirit is our comforter and I couldn't help but thinking that maybe, just maybe those rain drops were God's way of acknowledging our pain. It ministered to me anyway...
I loved my Grandma and am so thankful for all the years we were given. We rejoice that she was able to live on her own all these years and not have to be put into a nursing home. She loved life and was 'with it' until just the very end. I will forever miss her. It will take awhile for us all to figure out our new 'normal' as a family. It's so hard to believe a complete generation is 'gone'. Totally surreal.......something you know will one day happen, but when it does....it's hard to fathom.
So, today my heart aches. Saying good-bye to Grandma was hard.........and then saying good-bye to my family was hard, too. It's so hard being 4 hours away, when I just want to be with my parents right now. They're doing OK, but I still just wish I could BE THERE with them, to hug them, wipe their tears, and help them walk out the days, months, and years ahead. I can be there on the phone and by e-mail, and some times in person, but it's so different now being so much further away.
I am overwhelmed with gratefulness to the Lord for the family He chose to put me into. I am a blessed woman. I am dearly loved and I dearly love them.
This morning my heart feels so raw and the tears are freely flowing -- forget the make-up & the glasses are on. :) It was so hard to leave Iowa last night and to say good-bye to my family and especially my parents. Over the past 3 weeks, but especially the past week, my honor and respect for them has grown immensely. I have always respected my parents and knew they were great; however, as I have watched them so lovingly put their lives on hold to love and minister to my Grandma during her last days on this earth, I have been overwhelmed by their kindness, gentleness, and love displayed towards her and I truly have an ever-deepening respect and appreciation for them. And, watching them ache and hurt as their Beloved Mom and Mother-in-Law leave this earth........that has been the most difficult thing. My parents know Grandma is with Jesus and in our hearts we are all rejoicing in that truth.
However, the reality is that even though Grandma is now with Jesus and has been reunited with her husband and young son, who both died before her.........that also means she is no longer with us. And, that is hard to accept or begin to even fathom. It doesn't even hardly seem real to think she'll no longer be at family gatherings. I've seen my parents cry and be sad before, but this is an ache that I cannot fix. This is a deep sadness and loss that only time, and the love of Jesus can heal. That is hard to have to just watch and allow them to go through the grieving process. It hurts to see them hurting.
The visitation and funeral were wonderful. My parents did a great job of putting everything together and so wonderfully honored the woman my Grandma was. Grandma looks absolutely beautiful. I was overwhelmed by what a great job they did and how amazingly beautiful she looked! It was such a stark contrast to how she looked in the hospital and it made me cry to see how beautiful and peaceful she looked!
One thing that surprised and blessed us all was especially at the visitation, how many flowers there were and how many people came -- to see a 98 year old woman! We actually went an hour over the allotted time! People just kept coming and we were surprised. I mean, of course, most of her peers had long since passed, but the people who came -- these were 'middle aged' people, but also many young people. Grandma was not only my Grandma, but she had become "Grandma Martha" to so many. She'd started babysitting when I was just 1 yr. and we moved back to Iowa. She took me in out of necessity to help out when my Mom went to work, and then she and Grandpa started watching many other kids over the years -- at age 65, when they should have been retiring! LOL Kids LOVED them and it was so interesting to see all these people come to the viewing who had been babysat by my grandparents. The youngest being sophomores in college! They came back from college to honor my Grandma's life! It was amazing. People loved her because she loved them. She so freely loved and gave to all. I was honored to be her granddaughter!
The weather was horrible.........rainy, cold, windy......very nasty. And, we all kinda laughed because Grandma HATED that type of weather. No, she wanted the sunshine! But, as the day went on and our hearts broke as we said good-bye, I couldn't help but thinking that maybe the Holy Spirit was simply using the rain to simply show us God's tears. Yes, He has Grandma with him now, but He also knows our humanness and our hearts and how they ache and I began to wonder if God was letting us know that He felt our pain and wanted us to know it was OK to cry and miss her. He understood our pain. The Holy Spirit is our comforter and I couldn't help but thinking that maybe, just maybe those rain drops were God's way of acknowledging our pain. It ministered to me anyway...
I loved my Grandma and am so thankful for all the years we were given. We rejoice that she was able to live on her own all these years and not have to be put into a nursing home. She loved life and was 'with it' until just the very end. I will forever miss her. It will take awhile for us all to figure out our new 'normal' as a family. It's so hard to believe a complete generation is 'gone'. Totally surreal.......something you know will one day happen, but when it does....it's hard to fathom.
So, today my heart aches. Saying good-bye to Grandma was hard.........and then saying good-bye to my family was hard, too. It's so hard being 4 hours away, when I just want to be with my parents right now. They're doing OK, but I still just wish I could BE THERE with them, to hug them, wipe their tears, and help them walk out the days, months, and years ahead. I can be there on the phone and by e-mail, and some times in person, but it's so different now being so much further away.
I am overwhelmed with gratefulness to the Lord for the family He chose to put me into. I am a blessed woman. I am dearly loved and I dearly love them.
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