Ache of my Heart

I haven't blogged much lately because I don't know what to say really. Oh there's things I could say about Christmas, New Year's and our trips around Missouri, but I'm not interested in having a blog that only tells 'things'. Rather, I'm all about heart-sharing and I guess I've avoided it for a few days because there's been such a mixture of emotions, but mostly sadness. It's kinda taken me off guard because I was feeling so 'content' and 'ok' with life, but...

It amazes me how the emotions of moving come in waves and can change from day to day. The past week, or so, but especially the last few days, my heart has been aching for 'home' again. By 'home', I mean 'Iowa'. Sometimes things here seem so normal and this feels like 'home' and then other days, nothing here seems normal. I wonder if I'll ever feel like I really 'fit'. It's such a wierd thing to walk through.

I'm at a place right now where I'm missing everyone and everything back in Iowa. I miss my family, my friends, our church, my gym. I'm longing for friendships here, real relationships. There's a lot of people I've gotten to know on a 'superficial' basis and I'd call them 'acquaintances', but I'm longing for true friendships. I had such deep relationships in Iowa, and I still keep in touch with people, but it's not the same. I'm longing for that here. But, it seems so much harder and like it takes so much longer. I hate 'starting over'.

We've just passed the 5 month mark of our move to KC and I feel stuck between two realities. The reality of what I've known for so long back in Iowa, that I'm no longer a part of, but places that still hold such parts of my heart. And, then the reality of moving to KC and that this is permanant and not temporary. There's a hope in my heart that there is more to this all than what we've experienced thus far, and yet we're not there yet. Sometimes my heart grows so weary in the waiting. So, my heart is suspended inbetween the two -- not really sure of anything. I'm not in Iowa, yet I'm not really planted here yet, either.

It was weird to not be with my family for Christmas at all this year, too. Not even seeing them since Thanksgiving. Then, my gym friends - ones that are off during Christmas break and we'd always see each other and this year I didn't get to see any of them. I missed that. Then, I had a dear friend stay at our home with her family while we were away and yet I didn't get to see her at all either.

Some times the ache and the loneliness here is so strong. Right now, my heart feels so lonely and I wonder when this will truly feel like home and I won't long for Iowa anymore? It's better than in the beginning, but there's another part of me that feels like the longer we're away, the MORE I miss it. It's so wierd.

So, I'm casting my heart upon the One who truly understands. Who has known loneliness and pain and I'm trusting Him to faithfully carry my heart as He gently walks me through this transition process and strenghens my heart for this journey He has us on.