Catch Up

It's amazing how quickly a few days go by and all of a sudden I realize I haven't blogged about anything! LOL There's been so much going on that it's hard to know where to begin, because so much of it has been what's been going on in my heart more than anything. I'm the type of person that likes to just be 'real' and 'let it all hang out' with regard to where I'm at and how I'm doing. I'm really not interested in "playing games" or "being fake" -- Steve laughs that he feels like we live in a 'glass house' sometimes because I'm just so 'real' about everything! (He doesn't mind -- it's just kind of a joke between us! LOL) So, here's the 'realness'...

But, for me personally, life has been quite rough with all this physical stuff. I can't even begin to describe how incredibly intense and frustrating all this has been. A few days ago I had quite the meltdown....my doctor recently put me on a short-term medication and the first two days it made me soooooooooooo sick! I couldn't even hardly get out of bed and when I did try to stand up, I'd get so lightheaded and dizzy. I spent most of Monday in tears and trying to figure out what to do. My doctor wants to send me on to an Endocrinologist and find out what's going on metabolically. So, I spent most of Monday and Tuesday trying to figure out who to see. It's very difficult to find an Endo. to see here in KC. There's a shortage and it takes forever to get into them! The one I'd wanted to see and heard so many great things about, well, guess what? She couldn't get me in until FEBRUARY! Uh, excuse me? I don't think so. I'm not about to wait that long to feel 'normal' again! So, I have a call into another one that is supposed to be sending me a packet of info to fill out and then they'll get me scheduled, but that looks to be 2-3 weeks out, which is better, but still kinda frustrating.

Today I met with our chiropractor and he really thinks he can help me from a nutritional standpoint with supplements. He took a bunch of information and wants to see all my labwork and test results and then we're going to meet a week from Monday to talk through everything and see what his recommendations are. If I could really attack this from a supplement standpoint, that would be my preference, to do everything naturally. I just don't know. I truly have never felt so awful in my life. Working out used to be something I loved, I'm a personal trainer afterall, but it's become something that is so very difficult now. I'm so tired all the time and when I do try to work out, I get lightheaded or feel like I'm going to vomit. It's so hard to not be as active! I'm totally 'dying to myself' at the moment! I'm having to learn how to slow down, rest, and it's driving me nuts! LOL

And, yet in the midst of it, God is ministering so deeply to me. When I was in Iowa, I worked out with this trainer who was great. He taught me a lot about my body physically and losing weight and eating healthy, etc.; however, one of the things I appreciated about him was that he would tell me stories/parallels and would challenge me beyond the physical into the 'core' of who I was. He challenged my thinking. God used him so many times to get at something in my heart, without him even realizing it. Well, I'd worked out with him for almost 2 years and then after finally losing all my weight, I took a break, trying to keep going on my own and see how I could do on my own. And, wouldn't ya' know, during that time, I hurt my shoulder pretty badly and so I went back to this trainer to get some help with rehabilitating it. What amazed me was that in the 6 months I'd taken off of training with him, his personal training philosophy had seemed to deepen.

The first two years, we'd talk a lot about 'the core' and how important it was to have the back and stomach strong to support everything. So, no matter what I was doing, he'd instruct me to engage 'the core' and make sure my abs were tight, protect my back, etc. Great. But, when I came back to working out with him, it was as if his view of the core had 'changed', or rather 'deepened'. He began to talk about how week my core was and I was like, "what?" I mean, I'd worked on my abs and back and did 'core work'. But, then he began to explain to me that not only was it about the abs and the back, but it was much deeper -- the entire torso needed to be strong to support the limbs. So, not only the abs and back, but the glutes, hips, shoulders, too. And, he began to have me do these exercises and I could BARELY do them -- I was mortified -- I mean, hello -- I DID workout, I DID train for a long time, and I was now a trainer myself, how come certain areas were still so weak? How come the simplest new details of an exercise made me sweat? How come I was out of breath trying to do a simple movement? What was up with this? I was humbled, that's for sure, but more importantly, I was so intrigued by this and asked a ton of questions and did a ton of my own research to figure this all out.

This trainer began to challenge me about how it's easy to get stronger biceps or stronger quadricep muscles -- but, what's going to hold those up? How strong are my rotator cuff muscles compared to my biceps and triceps? Etc.

And, God just began to speak so much to me about this. Yes, I had a view of 'the core', but now things were going deeper. I realized that so many times we strenghten that which we can see, but what about the things we can't see? And, I began to see this from so much more than a physical perspective -- how many of us in the church are doing, doing, doing -- building our 'biceps' or 'triceps' -- serving God, ministering to people, etc. BUT, what about our core? If we strip all away that we 'do', who are we? Are we human doings or human beings?

God took me back to these verses in Ephesians 3:17b -19 ,"...And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

How can you know a love that surpasses knowledge? Many of us know in our head that God loves us. I knew in my head the core was important. But, this is beyond head knowledge -- there's a deeper love to actually EXPERIENCE. We can actually know a love that's beyond head knowledge! There's a deeper love to be rooted and grounded in. This is what will strengthen and sustain us in the days ahead. This is what will cause us to be able to persevere when it's so very difficult. This is not just an elementary teaching, but this is of such importance!

And, during that time God was just giving me such a picture physically of what He was doing in me internally. He was wanting to take me even deeper into His heart of love. I thought I knew what his love was, just like I thought I knew what the core was, but he wanted it to be a 'Core Integration' now -- a deeper level of his love (the core) permeating every single area of who I am. It's so much more than 'Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so', but it's being ROOTED and ESTABLISHED in His love. Knowing who He is, Knowing His character, His heart.

I was blown away by the reality of how shallow my view of 'the core' had been and that had led to an 'injury'. In the same way, I believe that when our view of God's love is 'shallow' it has the ability to lead to an 'injury'. It's so important to keep our hearts alive in His love.

At this moment, I'm on an even deeper journey. With all the 'health' issues I've recently had, God is taking me even deeper, and all this has been brought to my attention again. Now he's going even deeper physically -- to the cellular level metabolically and I'm finding out that things need changed on a cellular level. And, at the same time, God is taking me deeper into His heart. I sit here realizing I have a measure of His love -- I have only scraped the surface of who He is. And, in the midst of this 'suffering' physically, I'm being taken into His heart in whole new way and for that I'm so grateful. So, while I don't like what's happening physically and while I grow weary and frustrated in the process, I see His sovereign hand at work in my life -- molding me, shaping me, drawing me deeper into His heart and longing to reveal more and more of who He is to me. I love Him that He loves me so much to keep pursuing my heart.

So, this is the journey I'm on and I'll share more in the days to come. Too many times, people share 'after' the trial or after the 'storm', but for me, here's my life -- in the midst of the trial, in the midst of the storm -- why? Because I'm learning to find my place in the 'eye of the hurricane' -- to find Him, who is peace and rest in the midst of the storm. I have nothing to 'prove' by pretending to be so 'strong' or 'spiritual' -- I'm just a weak, human being longing to be molded and changed my this man who is after every part of my heart. And, I want to share that process with you, so that if you are going through a rough spot, too, it might help to strengthen and encourage your heart as well. :)