Unconditional Love

Something really difficult, yet really beautiful happened last night at our house and I just wanted to share it, because I've been thinking about it so much today and my heart is continually challenged.

Things have been going really well with Spunky. We've had a couple good weeks and we just seem to have hit a 'stride' where things seem so much more normal and natural. However, every now and again will have a 'bump' in the road that hits me square between the eyes and I'm like "what the heck?"

Well...that would be what happened last night.

I was sitting on the couch and Spunky came up to me and said, "Sit on the floor, I want to do your hair." Well, first of all a)don't demand that I do something - you're 4 and I'm the Mom. lol Second of all b)you brushed my hair and put all sorts of stuff in it last night and it really hurt......so, no- we are not going to do my hair tonight. BUT.........how about if you bring your baby dolls out here and we can set up a 'beauty shop' and you can do their hair and put all sorts of stuff in it and brush it however you want.

That was immediately brought with protests, "No! I want to do YOUR hair!!!" and I calmly replied, "Not tonight, honey. Mommy doesn't want her hair done tonight - go get your baby dolls and we'll set up a beauty shop and do their hair together, ok?"

That was met with a 4 1/2 yr. old cutie turning into a "raging monster". :) She threw herself on the ground and started a full blown temper tantrum. I am first of all thinking, "What the heck? Where did that come from?" and second of all, "You've got to be kidding me" and finally, "Of course, Steve is gone tonight so I am dealing with this myself!" :)

So, I calmly said, "Spunky, you have a choice, either get some self-control and stand up or you need to go to your room till you can get a happy heart. Your choice, but you don't get to be out here with the family and throw a fit. If you're going to choose to throw a fit, you need to go do it in your room, and then when you have a happy heart, you are free to come join the family again. Your choice - self control or go to your room - what do you want to choose?"

That was met with more kicking and screaming, so I said, "Ok, I guess you choose to go to your room, so you can have some time to calm down."

I was extremely patient and kind, but firm. I finally picked her up and took her to her room. All the while, she was kicking, screaming, hitting me, scratching me, etc. Not a pretty site and I was struggling to maintain my peace, quite honestly.

Once in her room her words turned 'angry' toward me, "You're a MEANY!" "I don't LIKE you!" "GO AWAY!" etc. Then, I calmly repeated myself that she was free to throw a fit in her room, but when she got self-control and a happy heart, we would love for her to come rejoin the family.

For the next 15 minutes, she kicked, screamed, hit the walls, slammed her door, threw all the sheets/comforters off her bed, threw her rug across the floor, threw her shoes all over the room, opened and closed her dresser drawers with slamming, etc. etc. She was pretty much out of control.

I wasn't sure how long to let it go and finally, I'd had enough and went and picked her up and said, "You need to get some self-control" and I proceeded to carry her to the living room where the 'normal' time out takes place, and set her on a chair. All the while carrying her, I gained more scratch marks on my arms, and got slapped in the face once and kicked multiple places, plus screamed at and spit at. Yah, not fun at all.

The boys were staring wide-eyed as this was the worst we've seen yet. They said later that they were shocked I wasn't completely losing it! lol Trust me, boys, I WAS losing it ON THE INSIDE! :)

After a few attempts, she finally stayed on the chair, but was kicking, screaming, hitting the chair, and throwing a huge fit, on the chair, for the next 10 minutes. The rule in our house now is that the timer does not start on the time-out till she is sitting there with some semblance of self-control.

By this point, I was honestly so frustrated. I don't know if I messed up in the first place by not putting her immediately on the time out chair to begin with, or not, but with the therapist we've been trying to teach her how to gain self-control and get a happy heart in her room, sometimes. Overall she's done great with this concept, but this night, she was NOT going to do it. Then, I felt guilty for not letting her do my hair to begin with, although I know it's ok for me to say no! I mean, geez, I did my barbie doll and dollies hair all the time growing up, so I think she'll live not doing my hair one night! :) And, overall I just felt fried. Sometimes it just blindsights me when she does this. It seems like something so small and insignificant will set her off and them it's totally draining to deal with it. So, what do I do? I pray........and text my good friend, who is going through a similar situation, and gives me grace to be human! (Thanks, Beth!) I can't tell you how much it means to have friends to be able to text or call and say "pray - things are not going well". Plus, I of course, texted Steve who was at work and offered to come home if needed. :)

FINALLY...........she calmed down and told me she was ready to get self-control and start the timer. I calmly did so. The timer was set and she sat so peaceful and so quiet for the full 5 minutes.

Then, we talked about it, she apologized to me for not obeying and throwing a fit. She apologized to the boys for throwing a fit and 'bothering them' while they were trying to watch a movie. And, finally I told her that she would need to totally clean up her room. She calmly went to her room, with tears streaming down her face, completely broken, and cleaned up her room perfectly. I was so proud of her! :)

But, I must admit........my heart was irritated. Why did we have to have nights like this? I get the attachment issues. I get that she comes from a broken home and has wounds and her little heart gets confused, she can't process her emotions, and we then have an explosion of feelings/emotions. Intellectually, I totally understand why she did what she did. BUT......my flesh wants to scream sometimes and just be like "WHY TONIGHT?" We had such a great time on vacation in Branson last week, it's been so close and I've seen her make huge strides.......why do we have to have nights like tonight when all hell seems to break lose and she is completely out of control for 30 minutes?

And, yet when it's all over.........she's completely broken, sweet, and cuddly. TOTALLY different than the 'raging monster' that just came out! You can see it all over her body language, her countenance. A peace comes over her and it's beautiful. But, the process is so hard to go through. It's complete endurance and perseverance on my part and exhausting. It's hard to keep pressing in and loving UNCONDITIONALLY when you have someone raging against you. Ultimately I know it's not really about ME, but it feels so much about me in those moments, that it's hard to not close up my heart because I don't want to feel the hurt.

So, when it's done, and I pull her into my lap and hold her in my arms, I am doing that as an act of obedience of love to my Father, but I don't always FEEL the love oozing out of me. Sometimes, but not always. I'm not that amazing - I am human, and it takes my heart awhile to recover from the explosion we just went through.

But, last night was beautiful in the sense of .........after she went to the boys and apologized, Nate immediately scooped her up in his arms and began to slowly dance with her and she put her head on his shoulder. And, then he began to sing, "______, oh how I love you. I love you _____, you are so amazing. I am so glad you are my sister. You are the cutest little sister. You are the best little girl!" and he just went on and on affirming her and singing this cute little song over her for a couple minutes as she just snuggled into his shoulder.

And, in that moment, tears formed in my eyes and I was blown away, yet again, by one of my sons. They love so well that it puts us to shame sometimes. They just keep pursuing her heart. They could be totally irritated, and they do get that way sometimes - they, too, are human - but, more times than not, they just keep pressing in. They want her to know that they like her, love her, and want her to be their sister. It totally blows me away how unconditionally they truly love her. I am beyond proud of them. They 'get it' and it challenges me and pushes me deeper into God's heart.

Today this has all just been going through my mind and heart continually as I meditated on the unconditional love that Nate released to Spunky. I was reminded of something Derek Loux, the Director of the Orphan Justice Center in KC said not long before he passed away last year. He said, "“My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can’t even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly “Papa” feels towards us. Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to “pay Him back”. You’ll never get close you goofy little kid.” - Derek Loux

That hit me to the core yet again. I've read that so many times the past year and yet each time, it strikes me so deeply. It truly IS costly, exhausting...in so many ways. It costs so much, not just financially, but mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. Spunky can't fully appreciate nor comprehend what is happening to her......but, she will live in the fruit of it. What challenges me is the "I will never expect him to understand all of this or even thank me". Oh, that just so challenges me and my 'conditional love' that my human heart so easily falls into. I want to daily accept the Lord's divine invitation to partner with Him in dying to myself, surrendering my rights, and pouring myself out in love for the one in front of me....with no thought to whether or not she will ever appreciate it. Can I love her unconditionally whether she is snuggled up in my lap, smiling at me or whether she is hurling her anger in my face and scratching my arms? I want to learn to love and pursue her heart no matter what she is displaying. Sometimes I do really well, but other times, it's just so hard.

But, my Father does this for me all the time. I screw up, and just like Spunky, I throw fits - in my own way - and even hurl accusations at him. But, what does he do? He rushes in, just like Nate, invites me to lay my head on his shoulder, and Zephaniah 3 says he SINGS over me. Even when I don't deserve it AT ALL. He chooses to love me in my weakness and immaturity and he pursues my heart, declaring prophetic declarations of beauty over my life.

Seeing all this transpire last night blew me away...........for my boys and Spunky.....and truly how much we love her and are so deeply grateful the Lord has brought such a precious gift to our family. And, yet it all blows me away again, that the Lord could love me so much.........so unconditionally.

So......two things as I wrap this up:

A) For all those that label us as so "amazing" - hopefully this post, as vulnerable as it is with my weaknesses, will let you know that we're not that amazing. lol We are simply weak, human beings, who desire to learn to love like Jesus and to partner with Him in loving the orphan. As we have a 'yes in our hearts', He somehow sees that and blows upon it and takes us deeper into his heart in so many ways. Yes, God is using us to change Spunky's life.........but, don't be fooled.........our lives are being changed and transformed in the process, just as much, if not more! :)

B) There are many who have wondered about how our boys are doing with all the foster kids we've had and now Spunky becoming a permanent addition to our family. This is something we've tried to be VERY aware of, and quite honestly, there have been a few kids that we had in KC who have simply been a rough fit for our family. HOWEVER, through it all, and especially now, I am truly blown away by how well my boys love these kids, and especially Spunky. None of this has 'hurt' them.......actually, it's strengthened our family, strengthened the character of who they are, pushed them deeper into the Lord and His love for them, and challenged them beyond their comfort zones and stretched them. It has seriously been one of the best things for them! They have grown up and matured so much as they've learned to love, and love well....so unconditionally. I love what Jesus is doing in them, and I am grateful that we get to love this way as a FAMILY!

So, I say BRING IT ON Jesus.......we, as a family, abandon ourselves to YOU. Teach us to love, so deeply, so unconditionally.......just like you. What a privilege it is to partner with you.......thank you for inviting us, wooing us, and including us in what you are doing on the Earth! We love your love for us! YOU are amazing and I am so blown away by your unconditional love for us. Pour it through us, Jesus.......release your rivers of love!!!